By Henry Coen

THE BEAR—Chess Club captain Beth Harmon 24′ hurls a Molotov cocktail with surprising athletic prowess through the window of the Darby Gym. Within minutes, tongues of flame lick at the sky as the Bear catches alight.

The school is on fire in more ways than one. All this over the recent report published by the Grinnell Department of Athletics detailing the sports teams’ spending. 

“Four billion dollars!” Beth shouts in outrage, lighting another Molotov cocktail. Her anger is warranted, as the club’s budgets have been slashed once again. 

“Clubs like feminist frog lovers and the PDA association have been reduced to fighting over fifty cents and half a baloney sandwich, while the sports teams gorge themselves on the spoils of our tuition,” Beth Harmon tells the B&S.

Supreme leader of all things Mashley Madams must have heard the club’s demands or grown sick of the noise outside her office, because she relented early last week. “Subjects,” she said while being carried out on her palanquin, “The sports teams and clubs shall switch budgets. So I decree, and so it shall be.” Since then, chaos has ensued.

With their new four billion dollar budget, many clubs have made good on their lofty aspirations. “Did you know they made a Nerf Bazooka?” Nerfa McGun said excitedly as she donned her new riot gear. The Mole people don’t stand a chance now.

Nerf at Noyce isn’t the only club upping their game. With its new budget, Neverland has radically shifted its operations. “We have fired the children,” Helke Cohoun, 25′ told reports. “They were WGA Union Scabs anyway. Now, all our stories are written by AI.”

Life hasn’t become easy for every club. The Students in charge of the Joe Exotic Liberation Fund have encountered some real issues. “before we could shake our fists and complain. Now with enough money to fund a private army the pressure is building for us to actually do something.”

The sports teams, too, have made some changes with their now limited budget. The football team captain Tom Baby 27′ told our reporters this: “Turns out our solid gold jockstraps have been weighing us down quite a bit. Without them, it’s a whole new game.”

Still, not everyone is quite as happy. “Without the lobster dinners and weekend trips to Mar-A-Lago, we have had to actually start practicing. The worst part is we actually won a game. It was the first time since Seldon Whitcomb was on the team. I just hope the coach doesn’t start expecting it,” Ball I. Slife 25′ on the Basketball team told the B&S, mournful.

Within just a week of swapping budgets, both sides started protesting to switch back budgets to the way they were before. “I hear you, my subjects,” Supreme Overload Mashley Madams shouted from her throne room. “This was a test, to show you why things are the way they are. Prostrate yourself before me and I shall return things to their natural order.” Clubs and Sports teams alike knelt before her and kissed her cloven hooves.

Since then, things have returned to how they were before. The clubs now struggle to purchase pen caps and postage stamps, while the sports teams receive daily pep talks from figures like Tiger Woods and AI generated George H.W. Bush via Cameo. All is as it should be.