Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: October 2023

Speakeasy Solutions

By Ethan Hughes

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, the administration has sought to reduce alcohol and drug consumption on campus. These efforts represent an attempt to make the college more appealing to prospective students’ parents. For instance, they have forbidden 10/10 and Alice from taking place on campus and attempted to remove the alcoholic traditions from Relays. Bob’s Underground no longer serves alcohol, while Lyle’s Pub remains closed. 

Many students claim that these policies are reminiscent of the failed war on drugs and don’t help reduce dangerous actions but rather fail to provide resources to make them safer. Grinnellians are not drinking less or consuming less drugs, according to the B&S’s resident drug dealer Ethan; in fact, they are consuming more. Early reports show that to prepare for 10/10 this year, many students have been downing Hawkeye instead of water or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pushing consumption off campus just makes it harder to set up support networks that can help reduce overdoses and recklessness. To combat this issue, all of Grinnell’s publications have banded together to turn the Publications (Pubs) office into a pub. 

Spirit Week Leads to Supreme Court Battle

By Conrad Dahm

JRC—The Grinnell College Department of Student Affairs has created a new tradition for the 2023-2024 school year: Spirit Week. Designed to boost morale, students were encouraged to dress according to different themes such as “opposite day” and “anything but a backpack day.” However, the fate of Spirit Week is unknown, pending a decision from the US Supreme Court on the legality of the week. The B&S decided to write an exposé on the biggest controversy Grinnell College has ever seen: the case of bringing a keg to your sociology class. 

It all started when Ben Tinker ‘24 wanted to participate in Spirit Week. “I saw the email DSA sent and thought, ‘This seems fun,” so for anything but a backpack day I brought my home to class. You see, I live in a keg, and I like to carry it on my back like a hermit crab. I got it through Special Room Draw.”

Missing Commas Leave Three Dead, Eight Injured

By Henry Coen

HSSC – Jolly Ranchy ’24 stands over a body, horrified, crimson red liquid spread over his lips and hands. “I should have put a comma. I SHOULD HAVE PUT A COMMA.” Jolly Ranchy is just one of the many students victimized by the English department’s failure to teach proper grammar. Between sobs, Jolly was able to tell the B&S what happened. 

“I was in Noyce studying when it occurred. I got a little hungry so I texted the squad group chat to ask if anyone wanted to join me in D-hall. My friend Grandma (no last name) 24′ was in the Atrium and agreed to eat with me.” 

“Let’s eat Grandma.” Jolly texted excitedly to the group chat—a deadly mistake. Grandma’s text to speech read out the message, and one missing comma was all it took to start a full-on feeding frenzy in the HSSC Atrium.

Students Overwhelmed by Family Weekend MILFs and DILFs

By Elke Calhoun

Eyes on the prize, Grinnellians! We have been receiving reports all weekend of students physically malfunctioning due to the sudden influx of foxy MILFs and DILFs on campus for Family Weekend. Perplexed, we spoke to Professor Mawmee from the psychology department, an expert in Freudian phenomena. 

“It’s less to do with the general attractiveness of these parents,” explains Dr. Mawmee condescendingly, “and more to do with the fundamental truth that college students love being treated like itty-bitty babies.”

DASIL Rebrands as ‘basil’ — a Millennial-Owned Restaurant Selling $23 Pesto Sandwiches

By Carter Ottele

HSSC ATRIUM—In a bid to attract more users, the Data Analysis & Social Inquiry Lab (DASIL) has renamed itself “basil” and pivoted toward the food service industry. This transformation seeks to address the concern that the lab had gone unappreciated and underutilized by the student body.

“We now offer a wide selection of locally-grown, organically-produced options to students and faculty,” explains Jonah Fark, the owner of basil. “Our menu has options for our gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free, vegetarian, and vegan friends. And if any meat-loving homo sapiens want something else? They can order an undercooked steak, provided that they consume it in the designated meat section of the restaurant.”

Mysterious Smoking Pit Outside of JRC Revealed as Gate to Hell; Part of Plan to Renovate D-Hall

By Bohdin Bright

D-Hall—All semester, Grinnellians brave or foolish enough to eat at D-Hall regularly have been confused about the sealed-up pit in front of the JRC. Blocked off by barricades, a faint stench of sulfur wafting up from within, the purpose of the pit had remained a mystery until President Anne Harris made a startling press release earlier this week.

“Ever since the founding of our great school, D-Hall has been committed to bringing our students quality nutrition at a low cost,” Harris stated. “But it turns out that it’s pretty hard to do both of those things at the same time, so we had to make some compromises. That’s why I’m proud to announce that this year, we’re partnering with Hell to upgrade all of our stoves and ovens to use the spirits of the damned as fuel. Heating elements are the most expensive parts of the kitchen, both in fuel and maintenance, so replacing them with the eternally burning souls of the condemned that will provide a steady, even heat for all eternity will both save money and make the job of our cooks much easier.” 

English Department Buys Grammarly Pro for Just Under $600,000

By Josh Payong

HSSC—As if to compete with the Chemistry department’s purchase of their newest Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Spectrometer, Grinnell’s prestigious English department has taken gargantuan strides in the pursuit of excellence in the written word through the purchase of schoolwide access to Grammarly Pro. Such a purchase was only made viable through the generous donation of local philanthropist Donal D. Roger, whose fortune stems from a long line of seafaring ‘merchants.’ 

“I always thought that there was One Piece missing from this already excellent department,” Roger reasons, polishing his hooked prosthetic hand, “and that was something that ensured that our outstanding students were to adhere to basic grammar.”

Emotionally Vulnerable Greek God Floods Rose Hall

By Liv Hage

ROSE HALL—Last Sunday evening, residents of Rose first floor were greeted by a shimmering puddle of gloopy water flooding from the bathrooms. 

Viv Page ’26 was repulsed when she stumbled upon the scene. “It literally smelled like shit…honestly, not surprising, given it probably was,” Page told the B&S. 

The situation grew stranger when another Rose First resident, Bingus T.H Wingus ’26, was found a strange man with a fish-tail eating other people’s food in the kitchen. “He told me that he was Poseidon, like the Greek god,” Wingus recounted. “Honestly? I was disappointed. I was expecting him to be kinda hot but he was just, like, a sad wrinkly old man holding a fork”. 

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