By Liv Hage

ROSE HALL—Last Sunday evening, residents of Rose first floor were greeted by a shimmering puddle of gloopy water flooding from the bathrooms. 

Viv Page ’26 was repulsed when she stumbled upon the scene. “It literally smelled like shit…honestly, not surprising, given it probably was,” Page told the B&S. 

The situation grew stranger when another Rose First resident, Bingus T.H Wingus ’26, was found a strange man with a fish-tail eating other people’s food in the kitchen. “He told me that he was Poseidon, like the Greek god,” Wingus recounted. “Honestly? I was disappointed. I was expecting him to be kinda hot but he was just, like, a sad wrinkly old man holding a fork”. 

Before Wingus could ask what Mr. Poseidon was doing in Rose, the ancient deity slid bashfully into the slime-coated drain, softly crying while shoveling day-old rice into his mouth. 

After receiving numerous complaints about an increasingly depressed Poseidon roaming the halls and crying sewer-tears, the B&S knew that it was imperative an investigation be opened. Our experienced journalistic team journeyed to the natatorium to delve further into the aquatic flavored mystery. Unfortunately, the natatorium was empty, save an FM worker who told us, “go to the library nerds, what are you even doing here?”

And so, to the library we went. As we conversed with the head archivist on the secret 9th floor of Burling, our team discovered that numerous books concerning the Greek god had been recently removed from the shelves: the entire Percy Jackson series, the Odyssey, and the acclaimed erotic novel Passion with Poseidon: Getting Wet had all been removed in favor of a plethora of literature about Posideon’s cool and extremely attractive sibling, Zeus. 

When asked for comment on the Poseidon purge, a library representative by the name of Pingus A. Dingus explained that, “Honestly Posideon’s just really lame…like he just flops around in a puddle right?” Suddenly, all the pieces came together. It is obvious that Posideon’s fragile middle-aged man ego would take a hit after being overshined by his superiorly sensuous brother. 

In an attempt to mitigate another flood of middle-aged-merman tears, the resident’s of Rose First have rallied together to create an emotional support group for the sad fish man. “He seems to be getting a bit better,” attested Ms. Page. “Sometimes he’ll even make a really bad dad joke. I think that means he’s feeling alright?” 

So far, Poseidon seems to be responding to the supportive Grinnell community. It appears that mermen, too, need love and affection. So, if you see a wrinkly old fish man in your dorm bathroom, make sure to laugh at any bad dad-jokes that come your way, and see if you have any leftovers to spare. Because sad mermen don’t help themselves: Grinnellians do.