By Ethan Hughes

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, the administration has sought to reduce alcohol and drug consumption on campus. These efforts represent an attempt to make the college more appealing to prospective students’ parents. For instance, they have forbidden 10/10 and Alice from taking place on campus and attempted to remove the alcoholic traditions from Relays. Bob’s Underground no longer serves alcohol, while Lyle’s Pub remains closed. 

Many students claim that these policies are reminiscent of the failed war on drugs and don’t help reduce dangerous actions but rather fail to provide resources to make them safer. Grinnellians are not drinking less or consuming less drugs, according to the B&S’s resident drug dealer Ethan; in fact, they are consuming more. Early reports show that to prepare for 10/10 this year, many students have been downing Hawkeye instead of water or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pushing consumption off campus just makes it harder to set up support networks that can help reduce overdoses and recklessness. To combat this issue, all of Grinnell’s publications have banded together to turn the Publications (Pubs) office into a pub. 

This marks an unprecedented collaboration between Grinnell’s rival publications, who have historically squabbled over literary merit. (Of course, such debates were meaningless, because the B&S is by far the best publication and the best place to get all your news, poetry and fashion advice). The pubs office will become the go-to speakeasy on campus to get your low quality moonshine. This office is envisioned as the place to drink your academic and personal stresses away. 

As the great prophet Homer once said, “Alcohol! The cause of… and solution to… all of life’s problems.” With our unregulated, poorly processed alcohol, you are sure to get drunk in no time. Any side effects of blindness or death are worth that sweet, sweet, plastered bliss— and totally not caused by arsenic contamination. Granted, it may be organized crime, but that’s better than disorganized crime. 

We were even able to reuse some of the local infrastructure left in Grinnell from the original prohibition. Like the hollow gravestone in the graveyard, or Sally the old moonshiner who hangs out behind McNally’s. 

To gain access to the pub in the pub office, just knock on the door three times and say the password, “You have booze?”. So far most students attempting to give the secret code have been too drunk or high to get it right. That is why we are announcing the secret code in this publicly available forum. Anyone who sells out the publications for this will sleep with the fishes (or at least the corpses of fishes in Arbor Lake). So remember to consume alcohol responsibly and safely. Alternatively, consume large unregulated amounts of it at the Pubs office.