By Henry Coen

HSSC – Jolly Ranchy ’24 stands over a body, horrified, crimson red liquid spread over his lips and hands. “I should have put a comma. I SHOULD HAVE PUT A COMMA.” Jolly Ranchy is just one of the many students victimized by the English department’s failure to teach proper grammar. Between sobs, Jolly was able to tell the B&S what happened. 

“I was in Noyce studying when it occurred. I got a little hungry so I texted the squad group chat to ask if anyone wanted to join me in D-hall. My friend Grandma (no last name) 24′ was in the Atrium and agreed to eat with me.” 

“Let’s eat Grandma.” Jolly texted excitedly to the group chat—a deadly mistake. Grandma’s text to speech read out the message, and one missing comma was all it took to start a full-on feeding frenzy in the HSSC Atrium.

“Poor Grandma was eaten alive.” Perra Presheria ’24 told B&S reporters. “I don’t typically have a taste for human flesh, but when Jolly said “Let’s eat Grandma” in the group chat, I had no choice.”

Already, Grinnell students have been doing their part to prevent further incidents like this. “I know it may not seem like a lot. But if Grandma were still alive, I know she would have really appreciated this Instagram infographic I made for her,” said Ronald Dump ’24.

The situation also raises the possibility of legal recourse. According to Oxford English Dictionary V. State of California, murder by punctuation is in the first degree. Jolly may serve 40 years to life in jail. Still, the defendant could always plead dyslexia and get off with a fine. 

Grandma wasn’t the only victim of improper punctuation. Sally Soup ’26 was unpleasantly surprised when she realized she had misinterpreted the new Spencer Grill sign, “eat food, get gas.” “I thought oh perfect a new way for me to spend my dining dollars. I can fill up my Toyota hybrid and get a Florentine Panini at the same place.” Boy, was she mistaken. Spencer Grill was not offering gasoline; instead, after taking one bite of her sandwich, Sally was instantaneously beset by a veritable storm of farts. 

“It sounded like an elephant dying and smelled like one too,” Sally admitted to the B&S. “I bottom-belched so much that the sulfur cloud killed two grill workers and gave three others chemical burns.” 

That wasn’t the worst of it. When the open grill burners meet Sally’s pooter pop, a massive explosion injured five more. The sign has now been corrected to say “eat food get gas.” and farting has been strictly prohibited in the Grill—another victim of the English department’s failures.

​The B&S tried to get a statement from the English department, but they used the word audacious so we gave up.

With fake news, cannibalistic murders, explosive farts, and global warming, it can be hard to know who to believe. Despite that you know you can always trust the S&B. Sorry, I mean “trust the S&B”.