By Liv Hage

Thanksgiving brings forth an unusual paradox of emotions. Some feel elated at the prospect of returning to the warmth of home; others dread reuniting with their creepy uncles and homophobic grandmas. At the more depressing end of the scale, we have those poor, unfortunate souls who suffer the worst fate of all: to stay in the liminal space that is Grinnell over Thanksgiving break. Students who stay haunt the empty halls of Noyce and the HSSC like ghosts, searching for a taste of academic validation to bring them back to life. Oh, what a tragic state to be in! But fret not dear reader, our qualified team of deranged students at the B&S have gathered information from this most recent holiday. For those of you in Grinnell next year, we’ve designed a couple of tips to help you survive this putrid holiday.

The first problem is to figure out what to do with yourself. This is, by far, the hardest part. With a lessened academic burden, the Grinnellian now finds themself with an overabundance of time on their hands. Should it be spent crying in the shower like on Mondays after Stats class? Indulging in a forbidden nap in the HSSC? Without the usual tortuous structure, these options do not have any meaning. 

To fill this void in your sad little heart, we at the B&S recommend pretending to be a sadistic professor in order to pretend to reclaim an ounce of the confidence you have lost since first year. Send a pointedly aggressive email to your least favorite professor to fully embody the role. Or assign your friends (if you have any) busy work to feel the rush of adrenaline that comes from berating students. Instead of taking forbidden naps and crying in the shower, you can now be the official cause of these self destructive habits!!! This is an ideal option for students who feel dead after the unofficial midterm that precedes Thanksgiving break. 

The second hurdle is to survive the food that the Dining Hall provides. Whatever monstrosity they cook up , it will haunt you until next year—unless you follow these guidelines. First and foremost, you must be resourceful. Usually there are enough options, but at least a few of these will be inedible, especially if the menu includes some Midwestern abomination akin to 1950s jello entrees. You must have a backup plan if you get hungry later in the day. The solution is, naturally, to forage for food in the vast plains that envelop the fine institution of Grinnell. Romanticize your pathetic life by pretending you are a silly little mouse who wanders through the forest and drives a little car (who may or may not be Stuart Little). This way, you are sure to find a few scraps that you can cook up in your dorm (unless your kitchens have been shut down by Res Life).

To those who will be stranded in the desolate wasteland that is Grinnell over Thanksgiving, our hearts go out to you. But with our expert suggestions, you can now survive Thanksgiving without having an existential crisis about why you chose to major in Spanish, or why you ever considered taking a Computer Science class. Instead of drifting through the hollow caverns of Noyce, you can now strut along with the swagger of a self assured Thanksgiving-in-Corn-Hell specialist. With a sprinkle of vengeance and a smattering of innovation, you too can convince yourself that you are a happy and successful student over the break! 

 

Goodluck and godspeed, 

The B&S.