By Edie Worrell

BREAKING NEWS–

Long-time, dedicated staff writer Catherine Terelak has been missing for over 48 hours. Last seen at the tables in the HSSC outside of Global Cafe, the search for Catherine has begun since news first broke of her absence late Sunday afternoon. Catherine has been fired from her staff position at the B&S due to her absence at the recent meeting and failure to turn in her most recent article, most likely due to her disappearance. Hailing from Gloucester, Massachusetts, those close to Terelak say that if seen, she can be lured out with promises of Pearl Harbors and Henry Wallace. 

If seen– DO NOT APPROACH!!!! Catherine is known to be skittish, and police have also warned us that it is highly likely she is armed and dangerous. Student Jimbob Orangedoor ‘27 can attest, “I tried to get her to come out of hiding with a Manhattan,” he shook his head, “she snarled and said that she only drinks Pearl Harbors, before pulling out a gun and shooting me in the foot.” Orangedoor remains in stable condition following this interaction. 

REWARD IF CAPTURED: $500 in Argentinian pesos and 2 loose Marlboro Gold cigarettes.