By Sophia Levitas-Goren

FRENCH HOUSE- That fateful Friday held more than just a few drunken activities and lively traditions; it unleashed a discovery unbeknownst to the likes of Grinnell, Iowa. Probably because it shouldn’t have been in Grinnell, Iowa. The lovely residents of French House took it upon their lovely shoulders to throw the best damn party the college had seen yet that not-so-lovely semester. The carefully crafted email sent out by resident Shmamika Shmatteson expressed its theme to be European rave-esque and “to dress as cool as possible” — direct quotes. However, as the residents traversed into the basement of their home, they happened upon a fascinating surprise.

The Paris Catacombs lay behind a door in the room in which the actual rave-esque dancing would occur and where Shmasha Shmine would be DJ-ing. Behind the mysterious door, which was previously believed to only house a room full of asbestos and one questionable mattress, the French whore house residents discovered a dark and haunting hall that continued on ad infinitum, walls lined with skulls of all shapes and sizes, as well as other bones. Now, as described by Freak house residents Shmannabel Shmandre and Shmalša Shmicovic, it was believed that many disturbing happenings had occurred in the history of the French whore house, including, but not limited to, demonic rituals, cult foundings and practices, ritualistic sacrifices, and language house orgies. Now, yes, all of these things probably 100% took place in that freaky little house, but no one, it seems, had felt the need to bring up the existence of a massive network of catacombs beneath the city of Grinnell, which seemed to only find an entrance in the basement of the Freak house, and maybe one other exit that would somehow bring someone into the 7th arrondissement of Paris, give or take.

While interviewing co-host Shmeric Shmrodriguez, we asked if the catacomb discovery had affected the planning and execution of the rave. He responded, “No, absolutely not. We thought it actually added some authenticity to the rave, as it was supposed to be themed after European clubs. Plus, there are a lot of raves held in the Paris catacombs.”

Unfortunately, during the party, the power had gone out, leaving the attendees in complete darkness. Clawing at the walls, trying to find a way out, some partygoers ventured into the catacombs, foolishly mistaking them for the creaky stairs that would lead them out. Alas, this group of students continued their descent into the catacombs, never to be seen again. One of these students was a resident of the Freaky French Fry house, whose name fellow residents would like to keep anonymous. However, there is an open single in a French house next semester if there are any students interested.