By Bohdin Bright

ADMISSIONS BUILDING- While Grinnell College’s status as officially recognized as the best Liberal Arts college in the United States is a source of pride for many on campus, that kind of reputation takes work to maintain. Out of the tens of thousands of applicants, only a few hundred can be accepted each year. If you want to make it in, you’ll need to stand out.

Take first year Ollivander Torsion as an example: Born at a very young age, Torsion had had a difficult childhood growing up without access to a public school with more than five dollars of budget or authority figures that gave even a single milifuck about his well-being, but he managed to beat the odds by contracting smallpox so that the admissions officers would take pity on him. There was only one problem: he couldn’t afford tuition.

Luckily for Torsion, Anne Harris happened to be in the office that day, and in her infinite wisdom and grace – praise be her name – she saw the potential for greatness within him and allowed him to attend in exchange for involuntary military service in the Grinnell United Military (GUM). In addition to reduced tuition rates, [student name]’s service in GUM also included a variety of special benefits, such as a generous ration of legally edible nutrient paste, a free assault rifle (ammunition not included), and a cot in the JRC. 

“I’m really glad to be given this chance.” said Torsion in an interview during a short break in his mandatory twelve-hour daily training regimen. “If my application didn’t get accepted, I probably would have had to go move somewhere terrible like the EU or something, just for the subsidized tuition. I’m proud to be able to serve my country while still having a chance to further my education.”

Currently, GUM boasts more than two hundred conscripts, all filled with zeal and eager to further both their educational horizons and US national interests, but they’re always looking for new recruits. With their tuition, food, and housing costs all subsidized by the federal military budget, signing up means that Grinnell can put more money into the pockets of college shareholders. Truly, America is the greatest country in the world.