By Conrad Dahm

JRC- On April 4th, 2024, the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW) voted to ratify the first wall-to-wall undergraduate labor union contract in US history. The B&S, being the first publication on campus to report on this story, has an exclusive look into the new Union contract and its provisions. At first, the B&S tried to interview Union leaders but our requests were ignored. So, we decided to find an exclusive copy of the contract. Here is a look into the new UGSDW Contract:

Editor’s Note: This contract was obtained from the College’s office. We can’t tell if this is what actually was passed or what the College’s ideal contract was. Regardless, we wanted to publish it.

  1. All wages of student workers will be paid in not real money or dining dollars, but a secret third thing. What is the secret thing? We don’t know, but it seems pretty cool. Furthermore, this secret third thing will be paid once a month, and students must travel to the HSSC basement to collect it. There will be a series of trials to collect this wage, but if the student shares what the trials are, they will collect no pay. 
  2. Workplaces on campus will now have a giant fish tank full of fish on campus. The Union will be allowed to have three members sit on the College’s newly formed “fish committee.”
  3. Instead of “Just Cause” like what was requested, student workers will be forced to debate President Anne Harris on why they should not get fired. President Harris promises to “own the student workers with facts” and that she expects no one to be able to beat her in debate. 
  4. Union representatives wanting to represent a student worker will have to cross a giant rope bridge over Mac field.
  5. Student workers will have to help build the new rope bridge over Mac field.
  6. All water fountains on campus will be replaced with the buckets in the Laurel Leaf lounge that collect rainwater. The newly formed “Grinnell College Bucket Committee” will allow the Union to watch their meetings from the crack underneath the door. 
  7. The new Union office will be a singular table outside the JRC. If it rains, snows, or hails the office cannot move.

There are more parts to this contract, but the B&S authors forgot some of them after a night of drinking in the PUBs office. However, should we learn more about the new contract or additional parts, the B&S will be sure to publish it. But don’t expect much. It’s the end of the year, we’re tired, and we might not even exist next year. Who knows at this point.