By Amelia Vrieze

PUBS OFFICE-During speculation that SPARC print publications were on the chopping block for next year’s budget, many students at Grinnell expressed that they wanted more transparency about the administration’s budgeting process. After a few weeks of intensive investigative journalism, and minimal breaking-and-entering, our hard-working B&S reporters may have found the answer.

Searching through meeting minutes and budget reports, one name popped up again and again. The one secret influence behind it all: . Maryanne Condominium.

A student of the famous home-tidier Marie Kondo, Iowa native Maryanne Condominium focuses her tidying philosophy in the financial sphere instead of the domestic. Hired as a Konmari consultant by the college administration, Condominium has influenced sweeping budget changes by asking one simple question: ‘Does it spark joy?’

Unfortunately, this question is not being posed to Grinnell students, but to top college officials instead. As may be expected, when asked if the B&S sparked joy, attendees of the budget meeting were not enthusiastic. As a bastion of journalistic integrity and speaker of difficult truths, it makes sense that those at the top are not enthused by our presence on campus. They must be frightened by  the power that we wield.

The following is an excerpt from a stolen discovered budget meeting transcript. Names have been redacted for anonymity. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Moving on to the next item on our list, what is the … B&S?

XXXXXXXXXXX: Oh, it’s a student-written satire paper. They make fun of current events on campus, the administration’s decisions, the student body, things like that. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: And you… pay them to write this?

XXXXXXXXXXXX: Yep… we do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Does the B&S spark joy?

XXXXXXXXXXX: You know what? No. It doesn’t. It really hurts my feelings sometimes. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Good, good, we can cross it off the list. Well done! We are making progress. Does that feel better?

XXXXXXXXXXX: Yeah. A lot better. Is the UGSDW on that list of yours by any chance?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: I don’t believe the student union receives funding from the college, does it?

XXXXXXXXXXXX: No, but it would be so satisfying to see you cross it off.

As seen in this transcript, first our journalistic integrity is called into question, then we are ruthlessly crossed off Condominium’s list of joy-sparkers. 

When asked for comment about the use of Maryanne Condominium as a budget consultant, an anonymous official replied, “Who told you that? Where did you hear that? Have you been snooping around our offices again?”

Unfortunately, at that moment our brave reporter was escorted from the office by Campus Security and taken to the fourth floor of Burling, and we were unable to gather more information such as how much they spent on hiring a Konmari consultant to tidy up their budget.