By Liv Hage

MEARS COTTAGE- In a desperate move to scrounge up cash to fund student publications, Grinnell has started firing professors and replacing them with Grinnell students. The so-called ‘restructuring initiative’ was enacted on Thursday by Billiber Blubberbun, spokesperson for Financial Operations at Grinnell. “I strongly believe that this will benefit everyone in the community” Blubberbun claims. “Those righteous brats *cough* I mean students will now be able to teach whatever they want”. When asked if students would be receiving a salary similar to a professor’s, Blubberbun claimed that they would instead be paid in “dining dollars” and “Grinnell swag”. 

ThIs change has understandably ruffled the feathers of many of the professors. To understand their perspective, the B&S spoke to psychology professor Well Butrin. Visibly outraged, Mrs. Butrin told the B&S, “My intro class was taken over by a fucking first year who made up her own class. She’s calling it ‘Advanced tumblr culture: GENZ-366’!”. Although some of the new “professors” take a more lighthearted approach to their new classes, some students seem to have more sinister motivations. 

One of these students is Scotch M. Egg 26’, an especially obnoxious poli sci major. “All of these students are my underlings”, Egg tells the B&S while sitting in an ominous looking swivel chair. “Becoming a professor is but the first step in my journey to ultimate power. Soon, I will ascend to the position of ‘Grand Egg’, and NOBODY will be able to stand against me!!” According to Egg, he plans to create a political party based on breakfast foods. We don’t know what that means, and were too scared to ask for further clarification. 

Despite the growing chaos between students, professors, and the administration, Blubberbun insists that the decision to instate students as professors is a “perfectly rational and sound decision with no faults at all.” ”. While many remain skeptical of what the future may look like, we at the B&S are here to help you through it with our quality journalism. Until then, stay safe, and avoid Mr. Egg’s office (it smells like rotten eggs).