By Josh Payong

BUCKSBAUM ARTS CENTER – Skin on skin. Muscle against muscle. The blood of one student mixes with the sweat of another (and also their saliva, freaky!) as they engage in brutal, high-stakes combat. The winner’s prize? A spot in Professor Therius’ most lucrative class – ART-369: Advanced Furry Media Studies.

In response to the ever-growing waitlists for essential courses, Grinnell College students have resorted to violence to ensure their registration in a class they need for their major or personal character development. This violence is of a nature so unrelentingly savage that even Vivek Ramaswamy has expressed great reluctance in his return to the small Iowa town for his Supreme Leader of the Bottom Society election campaign out of concern for his safety.

This is not at all surprising. People have begun an extreme game of tag on the lacquered hardwood floors of the aux gym to compete for one of 25 slots in PHE-333: Modern Pickleball Etiquette, out of the desire to compete professionally in the growing sport. Some eager “picklers” have even brought their own rackets to the battlefield, specialized for “spanking the opposition”. Ricky Rotundus ‘25 was the most promising pickler prospect, as he ran around pulling down shorts and smacking bare asses with inhuman efficiency. Vicky Ballfondler ‘26, however, was not to be trifled with. Vicky’s talent lies in careful movements of her racket upon the smooth cheeks of her opps, as she topspun her way into one of the 25 seats without having taken the 5 prerequisite classes required. There have been 4 casualties so far. 9 others have said that the force of Ballsmacker and Ballfondler’s smacks have rendered them unable to shit.

The list goes on. DAG participation numbers have skyrocketed in the midst of competition for HIS-398: Medieval Dragonslaying. To get an edge over the competition, participants have begun using real (DIY) weapons and shouting their attack names to boost their power by 50% (proven fact). Such dangerous knowledge should not have fallen into the hands of Grinnellians. Someone lost their leg in one such battle yesterday. Now, Legless Legolas ‘26 can finally live up to his name and conquer the “fell-beasts of Mordor” (the cockroaches of the Clark Pit bathroom wastelands).

Back in the art department, battles take place with pens and brushes on canvases rather than fists and swords. People vying for ART-379: Weaponizing Creativity have started to draw caricatures of one another. One such artist claimed an undeniable victory by drawing their opponent as the “soyjak” and themselves as “the chad”. The loser of this battle quit drawing to pursue a career in Philosophy instead, such that they would be able to find the answer as to how they took such a massive L.

In the wake of the Drake vs Kendrick beef, Grinnellians have begun to pursue POL-290: Modern Shit-Talking as their gateway into the hip-hop scene. And the B&S does not lie when we say that the only thing they were cooking was their chances at employment. A recording of one such battle was found on Mettrow Bu Min ‘24’s soundcloud, where he was heard saying “Call me Anne Harris the way your girl bounced on my cot/You smell like my ass after D-Hall salmon slop”. Jay Coleson ‘25 started rebutting with “Bouncin’, trouncin’, yeah your yapper ass gon’ have a pouncin’ into the JRC trash bin” before apologizing sincerely and offering a rimjob for wasting Min’s time.

Rather than trying to accommodate students by adding seats or making more class sections, the Registrar sent an email blackmailing seniors into participating, saying that upcoming 4th years and majors now have the lowest priority on all 300-level classes. The blood and gore excites them. They haven’t seen anything like it since the first Mac Field DAG-Frisbee War of 1998. Ironically, people waiting to duel for a spot in a waitlist have been put in a completely new waitlist. The population of upcoming 5th years has skyrocketed.