By Alexa Dolinko

LIBERAL ARTS CAMPUS, GRINNELL, IA—One of the much touted benefits of going to a small college is the outstanding and plentiful leadership opportunities available on campus. “Our leadership opportunities are one of the many things that make us the greatest school in the universe, possibly the world” –Annie Harris, Prez. These jizzworthy leadership opps are so neverending that there are actually more leadership roles than students on Grinnell’s campus, leading to a crisis. “We’ve had to get creative in order to fill positions on campus. The editor of GUM is actually three groundhogs in a trench coat (the middle saw her shadow, the other two did not and were frankly a little sulky about it). The SGA VPAA is just a cardboard cutout propped up in a chair, and we think the biochem SEPC head might be a ghost” reports Einna Sirrah, chair of student affairs. (Einna Sirrah is actually just Anne Harris with her clothes on backwards. When questioned about this, she leaped over the back of her couch and ran away, shoving shelves down in front of her so the B&S could not follow). 

The fourth years especially are feeling the pressure to keep up traditions, since they are the only group on campus who’s even experienced a normal spring semester at Grinnell. “I didn’t want to be the editor of the B&S, but when Anne Harris herself called me, crying and throwing up after she learned about sexism, I reluctantly took on the role, writes Alexa Dolinko ‘22 in an email to the B&S (herself). “Now my friends are annoyed with me because I’m so immersed in satire, I can’t say a single serious sentence. I think up headlines all day long, and even my dreams are always steeped in at least five layers of irony. When Anne told me this would be a great leadership role and would look good on my resume, I wasn’t convinced. But she told me that it was up to me and Anna Lipari ‘23 to save the B&S, and that only we could do it. She also told me if we didn’t do it she’d sneak into my apartment in the middle of the night and draw a mustache on my face in permanent marker. After this intense threat, I didn’t really feel like I could turn down the role. I don’t really know anything about running a newspaper, and my role at the B&S before was mostly to see how far I could go with my off-color jokes before the editors would take them out. Now I am the editor. I have to take out my own off-color jokes!”

The B&S started to get concerned with Alexa’s increasingly nonsensical ramblings. When we attempted to follow up with her in person, passers-by looked concerned at who that weird fourth year was appearing to interview herself. She was running back and forth taking on and off a hat, alternately talking into a fake microphone (hairbrush) and writing notes on a notepad, holding the pen upside down.

If anyone at the college has information as to the whereabouts of either of the B&S editors, please let the B&S know. There are currently a few raccoons running the email account, and they can let someone in student affairs know if the editors have been located. We’re not sure who has been publishing the articles on the website. It’s us, we’ve been publishing the website articles. Alexa and Anna, is that you? Yes, it’s us, we are in witness protection. The stress of this orgasmic leadership opportunity was too much, and we cracked. Do not reveal our whereabouts. The raccoons know what to do.