By Bohdin Bright

HSSC—On November 15, students had quite a shock when the power unexpectedly cut out, leaving the entire campus without electricity. Without internet access, a few students could not complete their homework; meanwhile, most other students lacked their preferred means of procrastinating homework. Thankfully, the issue resolved itself in a matter of hours. As it turns out, the outage resulted from mischievous students powering an illegal cryptocurrency mining operation inside the HSSC basement. 

The ringleader of the operation, Stefan Dyor ’26, was unavailable for comment due to his multiple felony convictions. Thankfully, our reporters managed to briefly get a hold of the Interpol agent that arrested him, whose name has been withheld because our incompetent reporter forgot to write it down (we’re looking at you, Larry).

“Tu fais quoi, connard?” he asked. “C’est une scène de crime active, il est interdit d’être ici. Va-t’en avant que je t’arrête.” 

Unfortunately, although his statement was probably very informative, none of our reporters speak French, so we have been forced to leave it untranslated. All the police reports were also in French. We’re supposed to write 400 words though, so to pad out the rest of this article, we’ve decided to include an explanation of what exactly cryptocurrency and cryptocurrency mining are.

Cryptocurrency, also known as “crypto” or “fake computer money that criminals use to buy drugs,” is a recent development in economic theory, consisting of a number on the computer that tells you how much money you have. Its key feature is that, unlike the regular currency of the past, cryptocurrency has no physical form. If the number gets changed, then there’s no way to prove it—letting whoever has access to the number steal all of your money much more easily than before. Unsurprisingly, banks are universally happy about cryptocurrency, because it takes the blame for lost savings away from the banks and on the users, instead, for being miserable losers at finance. 

Cryptocurrency mining is the process of spending a lot of electricity and processing power on making a computer do math that magically makes your money number go up. Nobody really knows why it works, so you will often see made-up words like “blockchain” thrown around so that fans of cryptocurrency can pretend that they know what they’re talking about. 

In other news, our publisher recently switched to only accepting cryptocurrency, which we don’t have anymore (Sam Bankman-Fried wasn’t quite as trustworthy as he seemed). If you don’t hear from us again, that’s probably why.