By Jay Rommel-Ruiz

HSSC—Midterms coupled with the collapse of Burling Library has renewed discussion across campus concerning HSSC room use, resulting in the first-ever event to be held in the HSSC Auditorium—a series of speeches and debates on the ethics and etiquette of HSSC room use.

“Students are tired of wasting an entire afternoon looking for a place to study in the HSSC” the organizer of the event, Lyra Bubbler ‘25, told the B&S. “It’s not like 25live is of any use, even if a student has heard of it, the interface is almost as confusing as NOVAtime. Even if they manage to make a reservation, someone is going to be using the room by the time they get there.” Lyra went on to describe the shared abject horror, existential dread, and awkward terror every student feels at the prospect of talking to the lone stranger occupying an HSSC room. Lyra hopes the debate will be more insignificant, divisive, and vacuous than the presidential debates, Twitter, Facebook or YikYak.

Lyra’s fellow organizer Barnabas Lethargy provided a list of debates topics submitted by the student body including but not limited to: Should it be socially acceptable to have sex in a team room? Is it ethical to hire a hitman to “take out” the person squatting in the room you reserved? Is Kantian or Aristotelian ethics more useful for resolving the moral dilemma of breaking into a professor’s office to use it as a study space—it’s not like they use it on the weekends anyway. And does the “if they’re not here in fifteen minutes were legally to leave” law apply to unsupervised HSSC rooms? Should people study in Noyce when the HSSC is full? And should students be allowed to sleep in the HSSC?

Meanwhile, rumors have been spreading around campus that students are never seen again after working in a fully occupied team room, while concerns have been spreading about the blood, viscera, strange goo, and eldritch sounds coming from the unopened shutters of the Global learning Café.

When asked to comment, admin simply responded that “Students, faculty, and facilities management will have to fend for themselves” while assuring B&S truth seekers that the collapse of Burling and the library survey have nothing to do with the claims of unspeakable horrors lurk in the HSSC”