By Amelia Mani

Rising through the ranks of the illustrious Grinnell Ultimate Frisbee team (still accepting new members!!!) is a new star player. Known on the field for his unmatched team spirit and unpredictable urination, Peanut is making history as the first ever canine to enter the cutthroat world of the collegiate-level ultimate frisbee.

“We were just really short on members, honestly,” one Grinnell frisbee player told the B&S. “I guess harassing everyone and adding them to the party email list wasn’t the strat.”

While Peanut may be a little hairier than the other players – though, frankly, not by that much – this hasn’t stopped him from being an instant asset to the team. His cute face and friendly demeanor serves as a calculated ruse to manipulate the opposing team’s attention away from the game. Additionally, some dog-phobic opponents refuse to touch the frisbee after Peanut catches it in his mouth, gets his slobber all over it, and chews it to the brink of disfiguration, which, while disappointingly small-minded, gives Grinnell an advantage over the other team.

Since joining the team, Peanut has sparked campus-wide interest in ultimate frisbee for the second time in Grinnell history. When polled last year, a mere 6.7% of students said they would consider attending a Grinnell ultimate game. This year, however, when asked if they wanted to see the first ever canine frisbee player, 86.9% expressed interest. When told they would also have to actually attend an ultimate frisbee game to see him, this statistic plummeted to 0.67%, notably even lower than last year.

But this canine wonder’s journey to frisbee fame has not come without its fair share of challenges. Midgame last week, nature called and Peanut answered — in the middle of the field, leaving a stinky surprise and unexpected obstacle for players. 

“It was just so, so smelly,” one of the four spectators commented. 

Despite having won the game by a landslide, the opposing team has already issued a complaint with the National Federation for the Guideline Adherence Committee Councils of Collegiate Ultimate Frisbee for the Betterment of the Sport (a panel of six pony-tailed, liberal arts educated millennials who still live with their moms), calling for the game to be voided due to “ill-mannered defecation,” which, yes, is a real provision of the National Federation for the Guideline Adherence of Collegiate Ultimate Frisbee for the Betterment of the Sport Rulebook. 

“Whenever I do that, I get in big trouble, but when a dog does it, it’s fine,” a player on Carleton Slice remarked, “I don’t know, this feels like DEI or something.”

This comment has sparked debate on whether canine players should receive differential treatment to their human counterparts or if this would be unfair to other athletes and the very sanctity of the sport itself. The B&S attempted to get a statement from Peanut regarding this controversy, but he was unable to sit, nor stay, for long enough. We wish Peanut the best of luck with his ultimate endeavors.