Aries: Upon returning to your hometown, you constantly reminisced about how “everything’s changed” and that “these roads were dirt back in my day”. It’s only been two months, dude.

Taurus: You planned to pick up a new craft like juggling or crocheting. Ended up watching two YouTube videos about it and spent the rest of the week doomscrolling like the rest of us.

Gemini: “Unplugged” for your mental health at some national park. Now you’re confused about the French protests and people telling you to “hit the road dude, this ain’t no state property”. 


Cancer: Tried frolicking in piles of autumn leaves, but got ticks and spiders in every orifice. If you need help picking them out, the B&S staff are standing ready with tweezers at the low price of $50 per critter.

Leo: You haven’t been sober since 10/10. God knows what you did during fall break – you certainly don’t.

Virgo: Reorganized your room. Then did some cleaning and found an old letter from an ex. Reorganized again, and sorted all your decorations alphabetically by the first letter of its dominant color hexcode. Rinse and repeat for seven days.

Libra: Spent the whole week designing a Halloween costume that came to you in a dream: Cat in the Hat with Gargantuan Naturals.

Scorpio: Decided to go to a bar in your hometown with a fake ID (regardless of whether you’re 21 or not) where you wrestled your third-grade Math teacher. A lifelong grudge settled. You’ve never felt more alive.

Sagittarius: Wrote 40 emails to professors in grad school and got no responses. Good luck finding a real job.

Capricorn: Spent the whole week doing drafts with the new Magic: The Gathering set. “B-b-but this one’s super important to the lore!” How about you Gather some pussy. I bet you play mono-blue control, dipshit.

Aquarius: Slept with your hometown nothinguationship to soothe the ache of knowing you failed your O-chem/ecology/whatever-the-fuck exam right before break. It didn’t help.

Pisces: Took a roadtrip with your friends to Intercourse, PA as a joke but found that you were happier in that little Amish town than you have ever been. Follow your heart. Intercourse is your true home.

Also in the news

  • Grinnell’s friendly scooter-riding neighborhood Spider-Man identity revealed…but we’re not telling!
  • Grinnell VB steps up marketing for game attendance, plan to hand out more overtly phallic and yonic objects until they become as relevant as Grinnell Golf
  • Student testimonial: first-year anti-alcohol training skits “changed my life”
  • College leaves reminders of basic human decency on bathroom stall doors: “do not smear shit on the walls”, among others
  • Major & Concentration Fair convinces students to throw away career for pen and dangle
  • New lamppost banners part of propaganda campaign – erasure of “troubling past”, says Steve Oldhotel
  • Worst first-year you know still shows off the 18 tally marks they’ve kept unwashed since 10/10
  • Film & Media Center collapses again, nobody cares this time