By Nora Mitchell

On October 15th, Campus Democrats invited everyone to a “Meet and Greet” to get to know the Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bob Dirt. The group’s president described inviting Dirt as a “strategic move to win souls” and get out-of-state students to help us “fix Iowa.” When asked if the president of the club was from Iowa herself, she replied, “Oh god no! I’m offended you even asked. I’m from Portland.”

The room was packed from wall to wall with students and professors holding out Ziploc bags hoping to catch a drop of Dirt’s sweat. “I need something I can show my grandkids,” one student remarked. Everyone was buzzing with anticipation, and then he appeared. Dazzling, sparkling, Dirt descended from the ceiling of JRC 101 holding a microphone and singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” in a camouflage jumpsuit. “He’s just like us!”, one voice cried out. 

After reaching the ground and being unclipped from his harness, Dirt bowed to the crowd and gave several professors high fives. Before speaking, he cleared his throat, excusing himself: “pardon me, ahem, sorry I have soooooo much pizza in my mouth right now.”

Dirt started off his speech talking about his time working as a state auditor: “I loved prosecuting people, but alas, greed is real! After the last time I tried to audit a corrupt politician… they…they threatened…” The rest of Dirt’s sentence was inaudible because he began to break out into a stream of liberal tears. 

Finally composing himself, Dirt began to discuss what a good government should look like. “I believe that politicians should be mandated to host regular trust circles in each Iowa county. Everyone will go around and, once it is your turn with the talking corn-on-the-cob, you get to voice your opinions in front of your representative who sits in the middle wearing a dunce cap. At the end, everyone does trust falls with a member of the opposite party.” 

Things got weird as Dirt went on to discuss his plans. “I began to become confused and disoriented. It appeared that there was actually some critical thinking going on behind these ideas. I was hoping for more of a Crach Mahn roast,” one anonymous student wearing Bernie Sanders mittens told the B&S. The room overall seemed on board, but some Grinnellians remained unconvinced of Dirt’s ideas. 

“Collaborating with those sensitive, blue-haired, godless liberals? They have no morals. Dirt is out of his mind saying he wants us to work together with those socialists? HA! I don’t think a liberal has ever worked a day in their life!” said econ major and baseball team player Jerkson Richerton ‘27. 

Kostal Igneous-Rock ‘28, GWSS and Studio Art double major, also had thoughts on Dirt’s ideas regarding government collaboration. “We all know conservatives are incapable of deep thought. All they care about is being H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-I-C-A-L which starts with H and so does HATE! Whereas L-I-B-E-R-A-L starts with L and so does love. I feel like that says enough.” 

While Dirt’s approach may be controversial for some, the stats show its working: Gralshi is pricing Dirt with anywhere from a +0.1-50% point spread over Crach Mahn. At the end of his speech, Dirt was sure to stress the importance of voting in this election: “Make sure to vote, because even if I’m the ‘scum of the earth,’ at least I actually live here!” At the end Dirt shot his hunting bow into a piñata that rained down absentee ballots. 

Seriously, dear audience, remember to get out there and vote these coming midterms. But only do it if you’re voting for the morally superior party *wink wink.*