By Dale Bell

NOLLAN HOUSE—In a press conference held late last week, college officials announced that, to replace the faulty printing systems across campus, they would be hiring an order of 12th century monks to hand copy all students’ assignments. The monks, who come from the order of St. Cuthbert of Iona and are renowned for their skills at copying and illuminating manuscripts, have already set up several Scriptoria in former printing rooms and are currently accepting print jobs.

The Cuthbertines, whose order requires initiates to seek enlightenment through suffering, will still be able to fulfill this requirement at Grinnell by sleeping four to a room in Norris, auditing physics classes, and eating Hot Beef Tips at DHall. 

Several organizational changes have been made to accommodate the new system including the replacement of IT Services technicians with Classics Department student workers to act as Latin translators for the monks.

“The old system was so complicated,” said second-year Dorothy Yeats. “I live in Cleve and the printer there took forever to get stuff done. You had to refill the paper trays, have PCClient open, answer three riddles, it was such a pain. Now I just show my dude Æthelburh of Northumbria what I need copied and he’ll have it done in a few minutes.”

However, some students have had more negative experiences with the new scribal system: Bret Worth, a third-year Anthro major told the B&S that “it really depends on which Scriptorium you go to, I had a paper due in ten minutes and I got stuck with frickin Theodoric in the HSSC. It took him 45 minutes to get the whole thing copied out and there was all sorts of crazy stuff drawn in the margins. Like dragons and shit. I got knocked a letter grade for the lateness and five points docked for having fucking sea monsters drawn in the margins of a paper on the gun violence epidemic.”

Cheryl Cross, a fourth-year who used the Burling Scriptorium agrees, saying “I went to print out my astronomy homework, and apparently these guys weren’t a fan of the heliocentric model of the solar system because they all crossed themselves, huddled up, and started muttering. I took a Latin class my first year and I’m pretty sure they were talking about burning me at the stake.”

While opinions on the printing system are divided, the Cuthbertines have already become an integral part of campus activities with Wulfgar the Lionheart using his experiences in the First Crusade to “absolutely dominate” DAG, at one point entering a “berserker rage” and laying waste to the entire club, his teammates included. Similarly, Baíthéne of Armagh has been writing a breakout spiritual advice column for the S&B called Adiuva Me Adiuvet Deus Adiuvet Te, and the Noyce Scriptorium monks have been brewing mead and bringing it to campus parties. 

As of press time Grinnell’s relationship with the monks may have been soured after a Viking themed Harris elicited terrified reactions from the Cuthbertines who fled the Scriptoria en masse after several costumed students showed up to offer them some White Claws.