By Bohdin Bright

SAINTS REST — While Vivek’s first and second visits to Grinnell were obvious, due to the national news scandal and the destruction of High Street respectively, the third is much easier to overlook. Nestled amidst townsfolk and recently-caffeinated students sits a sad man in a disheveled suit, quietly sipping a dirty chai latte and staring at a photo of Donald Trump in a locket; a far cry from the energetic presidential candidate of just a few weeks ago.

After his devastating loss in the Iowa Republican Caucus, Vivek seems to have lost the dynamic energy that made him so beloved by the Grinnell community, and the absence is keenly felt by everyone on campus. It just isn’t the same without him constantly calling the LGBTQIA+ community a cult and trying to ban abortion. We knew that we had to do something.

Vivek did not initially agree to an interview, but after asking pretty please, for us, he gave in with a heavy sigh. “This is going to sound stupid,” he stated. Our reporters reassured him that we were all here for him and wanted to help him get over this. Vivek is practically an honorary member of the Grinnell community; leaving him behind after everything he’s done for us would be cruel and immoral. “After the caucus, I just felt completely crushed. I mean, less than eight percent of the votes, I thought people liked me. I know that it’s still thousands of people who’re cheering me on, but when you’re just looking at that number, eight percent, it feels like nobody really cares.”

After a long talk involving three separate group hugs, copious amounts of coffee, and a few joints, Vivek heartily thanked the B&S staff, as well as the seventeen bystanders that also decided to help out in the impromptu therapy session. However, despite their best efforts, he declined to seek out a professional therapist in order to discuss how he’s based his identity on others’ perception of himself and needs to build confidence in his own self-image, as he reportedly does not believe in mental healthcare. That’s our Vivek.

While he doesn’t currently have any plans to get back into politics anytime soon, all of us here at the B&S hope that he recovers quickly so that he can continue fighting the good fight to abolish the FDA and the IRS, as well as making everyone currently at Grinnell College ineligible to vote.