By Josh Payong

STEINER HALL – “I had no idea how well I was doing in my Philosophy 309 class (The Moral Ramifications of the Foot Fetish) until I got an academic alert,” says Haas Bin ‘24, “but it only confused me more, like what the fuck am I supposed to do if I’m ‘tweaking’ like an ‘Ohio resident post-Grimace Shake’?”

In a recent attempt by Grinnell College staff to relate to the incoming Gen Alpha prospective student demographic, many of the school’s resources and facilities have undergone massive overhauls. In the process, the generational gap between current students of younger and older cohorts has only fuelled the division.

“I never knew what in the Skibidi those letters on my transcript meant, ya feelsies?” confesses Zew Mehr ‘27, “But the new system telling me which grades were Ws and which were Ls has really helped loosen up my studyussy. When I went to CLS to discuss my future plans, they told me that I was ‘locked in like a true sigma’ already, so I understood that I didn’t need to do much aside from maintaining that edging streak, ya feelsies?” Mehr is on track to becoming a Rhodes scholar – or, as his advisor has explained it to him, a “Smartpilled Studycuck” – by the end of his fourth semester, and we wish him all the best in his pursuit of a Ph.D. in Rizzology at Mogwarts.

The SGA President (now having rebranded themselves into the “Tiktok Rizz Party Group Leader”) is in full support of this movement, proposing the implementation of the following: that all tutoring services in Grinnell be renamed to “Mental Jelqcenters”, that suspension or expulsion be called being forced into the “Mewing Corner”, and that the worst student in each class be shamed for having “level 1 gyatt” or “no rizz” (the choice between either will be left up to the professor’s discretion). Group Leader then proceeded to brutally mog the administrative staff and SGA cabinet present at this meeting, forcing them to submit to the true alpha. Rumor has it that this was followed up by a harrowing howl.

SHAW now provides Zyns in flavors including (but not limited to) Peppermint, Dragonsbane, and Based Bussin’ Boypussy. However, they will “fanum tax” you any time you ask for Plan B because “getting caught in 4k rawdogging” gives them the “ick”. “It’s giving caveman,” says Zess Tee ‘26, a SHAW worker, “like it’s literally so delulu to ride that meat without wanting to poop out a little human. Gaslighting yourself like that is such an NPC move. Bffr.” (She did indeed spell it out in person)

“We’re so cooked if Admin keeps glazing Group Leader,” confesses an anonymous interviewee who fears that she would be forced into CBT Camp if her name were to be revealed, “like, ‘The stars don’t frot with themselves, Grinnellians do’ doesn’t even make sense!”

Our interviewer reported her immediately after she said this. Glory to the Group Leader. OP’s execution will be held on Ward Field as a pregame venue and event before Kink Gardner 2.0: Electric Nippleclamp Boogaloo.