By Elke Calhoun

As seasons change, leaves turn, and harvest is brought in from the fields, all Grinnellians sense the smell of autumn in the air. Unfortunately, the smell of autumn is characterized by certain notes of turd, sulfur, and a thousand rotting pig corpses. Dubbed the “Grinsmell” by the wittier of our student body, this heinous aroma appears to be biannual, cropping up regularly during the transition to fall and transition to spring. The “logical” explanation Big Pharma has fed us is that this aroma is manure from neighboring farms, but as the B&S cries, “No more pseudoscience!” We have taken it upon ourselves to investigate this deadly phenomenon and are determined to uncover the root of this Icky Stinky-Stinky.

First, we met with Professor Manu Re of the chemistry department to aid us in parsing through the validity of this scientific propaganda.

“This smell is a scientific wonder,” he informed us, “No single oxygen molecule should be able to bear a weight so foul. It’s physically and chemically impossible!”

When pressed further on the origin source of the Big Mama Pee-Yew, Professor Re became visibly uncomfortable and jumpy. Finally, after checking the room for hidden listening devices and blocking the webcam on his Dell 2000, he gave us one last cryptic piece of information.

“It goes all the way to the top!” He whispered spittily, “they’re all in on it.” His eyes began to hold a sort of frantic glint, so we decided not to press further.

This interview opened a barrage of theories surrounding the Winds of Poo. Was it a pile of cadavers routinely thawed by the Biology Department in the basement of Noyce? Or perhaps the mole people had turned to olfactory warfare? Did admin water Mac Field with the waste of a thousand Poblano White Cheddar soup consumers? With the one lead from our definitely chill and stable informant, we were determined to investigate admin.

Noses tightly plugged, we marched down to old AH’s office, chanting, “Tell us the true of the poo!” Eventually, she was so confused by our slogan that she allowed us a five-minute interview to explain what the fuck we were talking about. However, all efforts to uncover the truth of the Reek of the Week were fruitless. Our stone-cold queen stuck to her deep state cover stories. Typical politician!

Although our investigation failed to produce any concrete evidence that contradicted the mainstream LIES of the Shit-Laced Air, our outlandish imaginations have allowed us to produce the TRUTH that the admin does not want you to know. They blame the manure and the farms in order to hide the fact that the Grinsmell is, in fact, a result of a cacophony of toots produced by the administration after consuming a D-hall meal. They open all the windows in those gorgeous houses they claim as “administrative buildings” and allow their little fart-farts to breeze all over campus. Although there is no scientific or logical evidence for this theory, we just put it into print and might leave it in a TikTok comment later, so it has to be true. Keep those nostrils pinched and those tinfoil hats on, Grinnellians!