By Chris Cardenas

In a stunning display of questionable decision-making, Eli Hertz ‘25 took a break from his usual self-destructive activities to stare directly at the solar eclipse without using the recommended “woke glasses.” Friends of Hertz report that he had been on poppers, had minimal sleep, and was likely the reason why Kington Plaza smelled, making his eclipse-viewing experience just another day in the life of a typical CS major.

“I stepped outside to see what the big fuss was about and I immediately thought to myself, ‘holy shit’!” Hertz reported. “I have never seen such beauty unfold before my eyes.” Sources close to Hertz report that this was just his reaction to finally stepping outside rather than an actual sighting of the eclipse, which had yet to commence.

When asked why he chose not to use the protective glasses, Hertz nonchalantly cited a desire to “experience the full thing” and expressed a yearning to “finally feel something.” However, even after refusing to use the “DEI lens,” Hertz was not quite amused. “Wow,” he responded. “It’s a fucking black circle. I could have spent this time gambling.”

 It’s clear that his disregard for eye protection was part of a larger pattern of reckless behavior, which includes his frequent use of substances such as poppers and Kum & Go Hawkeye, as well as his decision to be a CS major. 

Surprisingly, Hertz didn’t stare directly at the eclipse for long, opting instead to avert his eyes out of what he called “respect for this intimate moment between the moon and the sun.”

In response to inquiries about his experience, Hertz cryptically muttered something about “finally seeing the realms of the higher spirits,” but then had a moment of reflection and told us that he “cannot see anything and must be fucking blind.”

This moment of reflection amidst the haze of substances is being hailed as the least self-destructive thing Hertz has done all week as he claims his college life is “literally a movie.”

Amidst the uproar caused by Hertz’s adventures, a new protest has emerged to address the eclipse’s concerns: defund the Physics department. The department responded with a threat to drop him into a pool of lava to see how dense he is — Hertz completely misses the joke and threatens to blind the wokies by showing an “eclipse” of his own (no context can be further given).