By Conrad Dahm

HIGH STREET—In a strange turn of events, the Republican National Committee (RNC) has decided to host the Republican National Conference (also RNC) in Grinnell, Iowa. In fact, the RNC announced that the event will be held specifically on High Street. The announcement comes after several high-profile candidate visits to Grinnell, such as Vivek Ramaswamy at Saints Rest, Ron DeSantis at Pizza Ranch, and Dick Cheney at the Old Glove Factory.

The B&S reached out to Republicans both locally and nationally to hear their perspective on the move. Angry Man, chair of the Iowa Republican Party, said, “We welcome any opportunity to trigger the libs by flaunting our steadfast protection of free speech.” 

Last year, Man faced backlash after he supported removing Goodnight Moon from public school libraries for its ‘undeniably homosexual agenda.’

In an email to the B&S, a spokesperson for the RNC wrote, “High Street is an excellent place for us to host our 2024 convention. The weather is predictable, the smell is nice, and there are no drunk college students roaming around at all hours of the day.” 

The B&S thought of telling them the truth about our beloved street, but didn’t. Why? Because of the bit. 

Plans for the convention are already underway with normal convention materials. This year, there will also be new additions to the end of the convention. 

“Once we nominate a candidate for President, we will be having a carnival-style party on High Street. Someone said it’s like Block Party? We don’t know what that is, but the carnival will be fun,” said the RNC. Some of the biggest draws include a dunk tank with a woke college student inside, a bouncy house, and the finest selections of D-Hall Salmon and Oysters.

The B&S also reached out to the Grinnell College administration to see their reactions to the convention news. They responded by carrier pigeon, saying, “We welcome all political opinions on campus to express themselves, no matter if one side goes against the entirety of Grinnell’s mission. We hope the RNC can go forth and engage in fostering connections that will last a lifetime.” 

The note also included a message written in magazine letters, directed toward the B&S: “stop fucking contacting us or SPARC will cut your budget for real”

Some students are happy about the decision, as it will give them the opportunity to engage with the candidates. “This is one of the reasons I came to Grinnell,” said Owdov Pleiz ‘26. “The Campus Republicans have been underground for too long! Finally, it is our moment!” The B&S fact-checked this claim and deemed it false. 

Other students are not happy about the move. Residents of High Street, for instance, are worried about the aftermath of the event. As one student, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “After 10/10 the last thing we need is more destruction. This isn’t well known, but those urine-soaked couches are because of Vivek Ramaswamy and Asa Hutchinson. Somehow they got added to the party chain and were wasted at 10/10.” 

The B&S continued the interview, but due to the graphic nature of the candidates defiling those couches, we will not publish further details. We also want to add as an addendum: don’t be like those candidates and please respect the property of off-campus houses.

As Grinnell prepares for the RNC, tensions mount. The B&S promises to keep you updated on the convention and the outcomes of it. In fact, the RNC gave the B&S exclusive press coverage of the event. The S&B does not have access to the event, so everyone will be forced to read our coverage. Try taking our funding now!