By Do Not Publish My Name

NOYCE BASEMENT COMPUTER LAB — Just in time for Valentine’s Day, OnlyFans has released a Grinnell-friendly update: GronlyFans. 

GronlyFans works on the same basic model as OnlyFans. But now, Grinnellians won’t have to slog through pages and pages of normal amateur porn to find what they really want. This week, GronlyFans is soft-launching three corporate content creators that will be sure to shuck your corn. 

To fulfill all of your parliamentary fantasies, Dishonorable Delegate specializes in Model UN-themed dirty talk. Will you let her bang your gavel? Moderate your caucus? 

If you still haven’t bought your textbooks and Pioneer Bookstore has already sold the two-and-a-half copies they ordered, Noam Chomsexsky is offering textbook reading ASMR in Linguistics, Sociology, and Psychology. Prepare for your internal grammar to be universalized! 

Wait no longer for Orange Chicken Day! Soon, Longa Line’s Orange Chicken Mukbang will be available on-demand. (Fans may request future content on the comment board near the cheery checker station.) 

Also look out for these new releases: Loud Sex in Burling 4th, Steiner Hall Romance, and Never-Ending Speech From the Locally Sourced Tofu Guy Audio Erotica.