Aries: Walked in wearing cargo shorts and a baggy t-shirt with a bikini printed onto it. How bold. How daring. How revolutionary.

Taurus: Organized a 9PM meeting for your group presentation on Monday worth 30% of your grade. Nobody came. Obviously. Expect an apology text in the morning.

Gemini: Hung out with your friends on the stairs by Gardner. Cowards.

Cancer: Skipped a 9PM group meeting for the slim chance that your lingerie fit would finally convince your situationship to make things official. You should probably apologize to your group.

Leo: Wore lingerie you found at a local thrift store and probably have some kind of yeast infection now. Go check in with SHAW.

Virgo: Zoo-Wee-Mama! Let’s just say people will be thinking about you for a long time. Your initials will be immortalized in “Drop your campus crush” posts on YikYak.

Libra: Got laid (unsurprisingly)

Scorpio: Got in a physical altercation (in your lingerie) with someone (also in their lingerie) who said that Boy George was a threat to local ecosystems. The skin-to-skin contact made you realize you were gay. Or straight. Whichever is the bigger surprise to you.

Sagittarius: Got laid (surprisingly)

Capricorn: Stayed in to listen to the new Quadeca and Brakence drops. Tried to brood morosely by your window but the weather was too nice.

Aquarius: Was confused that bird club was hosting, and strutted in wearing a green macaw-inspired papier-mâché suit. Doubled down and did bowerbird mating dances. We really dug it.

Pisces: Spent the night crying about the departure of Lenny Purrkins Jr.

Also in the news

  • Grinnell FB wins again – finally ready to rematch with UIowa after 109 years
  • Campus republicans start “Domestic Student Association”; lobby for “Rare American Students Everywhere” events
  • Campus survey results are in: nobody lives in Kershaw
  • Local ecologists discover Grinnell pathways are “more worm than sidewalk”
  • Family Weekend hotdogs and burgers made from bodies of students who failed Tutorial
  • 4th Year student doesn’t know what epistemology means
  • Skip Around the Room stats at all time low: death of self-gov?