By Conrad Dahm

OFF CAMPUS- We’re back to school, and everyone is fucking miserable already. The B&S is back to report on this misery, and there is a lot of it. One way that students alleviate it is by going to off-campus parties and getting drunk. (When you say this out loud, it really makes you think, right?) With off-campus housing potentially being taken away, the B&S decided to do an investigation into various off-campus houses. Let’s interview the (un)lucky students who get to live off-campus!

“Our house is called ‘filth house’ because of how dirty it is. Along with the 4 of us, our other housemates include a couple of rats, fleas, and a muskrat named Jimmy. We don’t really believe in cleaning. It’s so bourgeois to have to mop and vacuum. We also don’t like to host all campus parties because having people over actually makes our house cleaner.”

  • The 4th year dirt friends

“I live alone in a studio apartment above Nollen House. Lenny Purrkins, director of student housing, is my landlord. He just does it as an individual, not as a College employee. Rent is a little expensive, but living above Nollen House has its perks. I get to hear all of the new decisions that are being implemented. Like I heard that they’re going to take away off-campus housing for all students next year, and implement the College’s newest committee, the ‘we hate fun’ committee.

  • Nollen House Loner

“Here at the performative male house, we all love feminism. Every night we do a house reading of various bell hooks books before we go to bed. In the morning, we drink our matchas as we ride our bikes made out of recycled bongs. We handroll all of our cigarettes and keep them in a thrifted tote bag with a labubu attached to it. No one ever questions our commitment to feminist politics, and we definitely do all of these things because we actually care about them, not to get women to date us.”

  • The 5 worst men you’ve ever met

“The pickling house is all about pushing the boundaries of what can be pickled. It started with onions, cucumbers, peppers, you know, the normal stuff. We’ve since progressed to pickling GrinCity donuts, D-Hall sweet potato tater tots, and beer. Don’t ask how we did, but we pickled beer, and it’s the newest IPA on tap at bars in town. We don’t understand why we pickle, but we do it anyway. Hurrah for the liberal arts!”

  • Idk why I wrote this one

“Die house is about playing die. We drink beer and play die. That’s it. We host parties and play die.”

  • Die House

The B&S thanks the houses that responded to our messages to be interviewed for this article. If your house didn’t make it into the article, try harder next time.