By James Applegate
WASHINGTON, DC—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order that dictates the total consumption of yet another component of the federal government. The target this time is the Supreme Court, which Mr. Trump will be consuming body, blood, soul, and judiciary next Tuesday, thereby obliterating one of the most significant symbolic and physical obstacles to his descent upon America.
By Catherine Terelak
Every spring and summer, dozens of eager pilgrims flock to the sleepy village of De Smet, South Dakota, to walk the dirt paths of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s youth at the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. Visitors can churn butter at the Ingalls Homestead, learn their alphabet at an exact replica of the Brewster School, and pay their respects at the crowded Ingalls section of the De Smet Cemetery.
These traditions, enjoyed by at least 24 Americans each year, will look a little bit different in 2025. In a recent speech, President Trump announced a massive overhaul to the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. “I couldn’t believe it when my National Parks guy told me we had a place called Little House on the Prairie. I told him to do it over, right away. I don’t want to see anything little in my country. That’s like getting a single, scrawny cheeseburger at McDonald’s when you could make it a cheeseburger meal. I said, ‘What, do we live in Sweden or something? Is this some kind of Subaru dealership?’ I told him, right there—I said, ‘I want a big, huge, enormous house on the prairie, and I want it to run on coal and iPads.’”
By Bella Takata
Hey everybody, so sorry I haven’t written in a while!!
I bet you’re all wondering… Bella! Where have you been loca??
Well, it’s a crazy story.
By Henry Coen
BURLING JUNGLE GYM—Vikky Tum ‘28 giggles as she watches a documentary about the assasination of Archduke Ferdinand over her boyfriend’s shoulder. “That’s just like John Pork and Tim Cheese.”
Until a few weeks ago, Pedro File ’25 had never really noticed the age gap in his relationship. “Vikky is really mature for her age,” the 23 year old told us. “Plus, she’s a May birthday, so she’s basically 19 already.”
By Dale Bell
SGA OFFICE—In a stunning discovery, B&S reporters have confirmed that self-gov in Grinnell is not, in fact, dead, and that the Student Government Association has just been locked in their office all year.
By Josh Emrys Payong
Still reeling from the betrayal of Colossal Biosciences Inc. after they stole the dire wolves reborn with Boy George’s primordially badass DNA, the Grinnell Biology Department has been scrambling to find ways to revive its own standing in the scientific community.
Their first successful pursuit was the rebirth of the formerly extinct giant sloth (genus Megatherium) using a mix of genetic material from bone fragments found in Chile and the spit from that one person in front of you in the D-Hall stir fry line who takes their sweet time picking out all the fried egg from the basil pork. Following its reappearance, many academics in the humanities division discovered its intellectual prowess, particularly within the field of metaphysics.
By Carter Ottele
Dear Binston Swongo,
As I write you, I must pick sides in a clash of two sacred values—one being my inner identity (that which I clutch closest to my heart), and the other my inalienable right to free expression. You see, I have seen the posters hung around campus. I have read the emails, typed in those vivid fonts, advertising publication in a student-run art magazine. I know what The Sequence, that enigmatic beacon of visual art, demands of me…and I know, too, that I yearn to heed its call.
And yet I cannot. Although I ache to “submit to The Sequence,” I am inherently dominant, so to consensually submit would constitute a betrayal of all that I hold dear. Binston Swongo, I command you to counsel me with wisdom. How shall I possibly balance these competing desires?
– Internally Conflicted
By Henry Coen
MACY HOUSE—When S&B Editor-in-Chief Goffrey Joldberg ’25 awoke to see himself added to a Handshake group chat titled “Endowment PC small group”, he doubted their authenticity. Yet as he continued receiving messages from top officials like Mashley Madams, Steve Oldhotel, and finally Anne Harris herself, Geoffrey realized he had been mistakenly added to a private group chat discussing plans for the endowment. Below, we publish screenshots of the text exchange:
By Sarah Reif
As the administration faces continued calls to discontinue the Pioneer mascot, archivists Irene Acker and Agatha Murphy recently discovered a new piece of Grinnell College history. While struggling to escape from the basement of Burling, the adorable elderly women uncovered more mascots of our school’s past than anyone dared imagine.
According to the archivists, these have included characters such as “Thomas the Peeping Tom”, “The Boeing 737 MAXs”, “Rush Limbaugh”, and an attempt at inclusion from 2005 called “The Colorblind Warrior Allies Against Ignorance”. But amid this litany of horrors, archivists uncovered a gem: Poxy.
By James Applegate
Recently, Grinnell’s Cheery Checkers were astonished to discover in D-Hall a newborn child—swaddled in branded napkins, slick with afterbirth, and fast in the throes of a tranquil nap.
Just days later, at last Thursday’s Scholar’s Convocation, titled “The New Strategic Plan: Gromelas”, Anne Harris announced sweeping changes to the Strategic Plan. The school has decided to sacrifice this “D-Hall baby” to save Grinnell from the turbulence of the next four years (and also for all eternity). The move comes amid of storm of problems, including fears about the deportation of international students, potential loss of student financial aid, a threatened debilitating endowment tax, national attacks on campus free speech, the Grinnsmell, and the gray salami in the charcuterie bento boxes.
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