Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Author: B&S Staff Page 2 of 7

Dear B&S Writer: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

By Josh Payong

Below, we have printed an email written by one B&S writer to another in hopes of maintaining full transparency and journalistic integrity. Neither party has consented to its publication, but the truth must be told. Their names have been censored for anonymity.

Dear *******,

You are, as Shakespeare put it in All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 3, Scene 6), “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” A waste of space and trustee funding. The only thing you contribute to our publication’s meetings is a reason to leave the room earlier because of how absolutely nasty your obviously unwiped ass smells. None of your articles have made it past peer review. None of your ideas even make it onto the “In Other News” section. None of your “friends” like being around you. If this wasn’t such a small school, rest assured they’d never talk to you again.

Dear Binston Swongo: Summer Job Search

By Carter Ottele

Dear Binston Swongo,

How can I secure a decent summer job? People keep telling me that a Grinnell education goes a long way, but so far, it hasn’t even gotten me to the interview stage of any internship applications. I have strong grades and decent writing skills…what else am I supposed to do? As far as I know, there are only three types of jobs available to undergraduate students: highly prestigious unpaid internships with 0.5% acceptance rates, summer camp counselors, and dishwashers. I don’t like kids, I worked as a dishwasher last summer, and now I’m hoping to expand my résumé before applying to grad schools. Please help!

– Desperately Unemployable (or is it Unemployably Desperate?)

Cryptocurrency Scheme Causes Power Outages

By Bohdin Bright

HSSC—On November 15, students had quite a shock when the power unexpectedly cut out, leaving the entire campus without electricity. Without internet access, a few students could not complete their homework; meanwhile, most other students lacked their preferred means of procrastinating homework. Thankfully, the issue resolved itself in a matter of hours. As it turns out, the outage resulted from mischievous students powering an illegal cryptocurrency mining operation inside the HSSC basement. 

B&S Cribz: 42069 High Street

By Conrad Dahm

HIGH STREET—The smell of cheap beer, old cigarettes, and urine fills the air. The lawn is decorated with empty cans of Old Milwaukee, Natural Light, and Twisted Tea. The living room has one old couch, a beer-die table, and a stolen chair from outside the HSSC. The floors creak with every step and the one bathroom is full of Axe 8-in-1 Soap. Welcome to 42069 High Street, or as the tenants call it, “the bastion of self-gov.” Or, as the landlord calls it, “420 Hell Street.”

Shifting for the Holidays

By Catherine Terelak

With the holidays fast approaching, many Grinnellians are anxiously anticipating the big return home. If you fall into this camp, don’t fear! Shifting from GR to HR* while you’re still on campus is a fantastic way to practice interacting with relatives you haven’t seen in months. Here are just a few helpful tips, so you can use the power of reality shifting to make this holiday season go as smoothly as possible! 

Jingle Balls Festival is a Huge Success

By Henry Coen

CENTRAL PARK- “Last one to the testicle bouncy house is a rotten scrotum!” cries a group of children. They dash through the park, tripping over each other to clamber into the enormous, undeniably scrotal bouncy house. These enthusiastic tots are just some of the people enjoying this year’s Jingle Balls Testicle Festival, held right here in Grinnell, Iowa.

Suggestions for Future Thanksgivings

By Liv Hage

Thanksgiving brings forth an unusual paradox of emotions. Some feel elated at the prospect of returning to the warmth of home; others dread reuniting with their creepy uncles and homophobic grandmas. At the more depressing end of the scale, we have those poor, unfortunate souls who suffer the worst fate of all: to stay in the liminal space that is Grinnell over Thanksgiving break. Students who stay haunt the empty halls of Noyce and the HSSC like ghosts, searching for a taste of academic validation to bring them back to life. Oh, what a tragic state to be in! But fret not dear reader, our qualified team of deranged students at the B&S have gathered information from this most recent holiday. For those of you in Grinnell next year, we’ve designed a couple of tips to help you survive this putrid holiday.

Email from President Harris: “Global Events and Grinnell Values”

This week, the B&S has decided to republish this email from President Anne Harris. We believe that printing the text below – originally sent to the entire Grinnell community – will underscore the importance of strong leadership in these difficult times.

Dear community members,

Ad: Intensive Skills Seminar

By Catherine Terelak

Grinnellians Personally Victimized by Sheer Number of Bands on Campus

By Henry Coen

New York City is the land of 1,000 dreams; Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes; and Grinnell, Iowa, is the land of 100,000 bands.

“What did you say? I can’t hear you!” Tambourine Tunner ’24 said, his words drowned out by the veritable cacophony of sound coming from the multiple bands playing at once. “All I wanted to do was throw a little dorm party, then all of a sudden, I got 100 requests from bands wanting to play at my function. Spin the Chicken, My Best Bustier, Bad Kayak…there were so many! I had to schedule multiple at the same time.” Tambourine party guests dance awkwardly as they try to dance simultaneously to “Death of a Bachelor,” “That’s My Girl,” and the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the same time.

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