Author: B&#38;S Staff Page 3 of 16

By James Applegate

SPENCER GRILL—“Do I contradict myself? Then I contradict myself. I am large; I contain multitudes.” Tarif Egpreis gives me a knowing wink. “And in the diversity of those multitudes, I’ve found real culinary beauty.”

I had just asked Egpreis, the Spencer Grill’s new permanent Resident Innovator, about the inspiration behind the Grill’s new charcuterie bento boxes. Egpreis is the Grill’s first such Innovator-in-Permanent-Residence after the position was created last semester along with a similar position at the Global Café. When students returned to campus last fall, the price hikes at the Spencer Grill and Global Café provoked widespread fury and mass hysteria. But few are aware of the incredible return on investment that these prices have given us, which fund the six-figure salaries of both new Innovator positions.

English Major Recounts Her Journey Through Noyce

By Josh Emrys Payong

“Hastily taking shelter from those tempestuous winds, I found myself in a building so eerily unfamiliar, so profoundly…gothic,” recounts Kayleigh Lunaglow ‘28, “strange rocks in glass cases…the twisting and turning of the layout so reminiscent of the forests of Brockden Brown’s winding frontier wilderness…I was completely out of my depth.”

Lunaglow’s recent publication through the Grinnell Press, A Saga of Stars and Substrates (endearingly abbreviated to SoSaS by the two people that manage its Fandom page), follows her coincidental journey into what we know as the Noyce Science Center. But to an English major like her, it was a land of complete mystery, chock-full of weird symbols and outlandish implications of future employment.

Interview with Associate Chaplain: Discussion Series on Hateful Individualism to Replace Adored Fellowship Bible Study

By Catherine Terelak

CRSSJ PRAYER GARAGE—After drawing criticism from local Jewish and Indigenous communities for her recent Purim Powwow Interfaith Jamboree, Grinnell’s new associate chaplain Reverend Polyester Decrease is on a mission to reassert her position as the number one peacebuilder and bridgemaker on campus. In another exclusive interview frantically arranged by her PR team of therapy dogs, Reverend Decrease describes the recent failure of her Adored Fellowship Bible Study and her exciting plans to re-envision the program.

Y/N and the Burgeoning Chains

By Elke Calhoun

Y/N’s perfect glossy high pony swayed perfectly in time to the beat of her steps as her black lace-up high heel boots clacked across the cobblestones of Grinnell Proper. She had picked these boots today, of course, out of practicality. She had slayed many a foul beast in these high heel boots because she wasn’t like other the other whorish girls her age and didn’t give a fuck about her appearance. Her perfectly shaped boo-ta-ta bounced as she glided gracefully, hugged beautifully by her galaxy print leggings.

Where Were You When Anne Harris Visited Lazier 3rd?

In Uncategorized

By Bella Takata

Hey Dale,

I know it’s been a week or two, but do you remember when Anne Harris visited Lazier 3rd? I want to say it was March 5th, probably in the late afternoon or so.
My best,

– Bella Takata

Weekend Presents: Build-a-Friend

By Catherine Terelak

Are you a sober, friendless uggo loser? Weekend is hosting its second-ever Build-a-Friend event in JRC 101 from 7:00-9:00 this Friday night. (But who cares about the time and date, anyway? Like your calendar isn’t always wide open…)

Weekend is excited to work with Build-a-Friend, a third-party contractor that uses all sustainably-sourced human parts to provide an ethical friend-building experience for sober, friendless uggo losers on campuses across the country. With Build-a-Friend, you can finally have a friend who wants to talk about Pokémon or whatever the fuck nerd shit you’re into. Through a fast and easy on-site training program, Build-a-Friends can be programmed to participate in a variety of activities, including but not limited to tabletop roleplay games, silent memorization of scientific formulas, and running around with foam swords. Girl Build-a-Friends can populate Google calendars, chew their fingernails, and say depressing shit about their bodies. (Gay Build-a-Friends can write angsty poetry or something. Nonbinaries can make those friendship bracelets with the beads, but not like Taylor Swift fans.)

GUM, Remove Your Confessional From Our Offices Or I Will Burn It On Mac Field

In editorials

By Dale Bell

Listen here, you artsy bastards. You’re flying high, I get it, it’s been a good couple of years for you, you’ve got amazing articles (academic essays? poetry? Stories? Art? All of the above?), a budget that I can only assume rivals that of the College itself given your thick, luscious, print edition covers, and apparent access to a state-of-the-art random word generator where you get your issue themes.

New Romantasy Class Takes on Grinnell

By Sarah Reif

Shocking new data from the AARP has revealed that young people barely read books anymore. And the few who do certainly aren’t reading Morrison, Whitman, or any of the other names inscribed into the ARH. No, the real money left in books is in the romantasy genre. In their ongoing effort to get an English major employed after graduation, Grinnell has recruited Professor Vivian Swoon, published author of over seven hundred romantasy books since 2021, to train students in this fine art.

Professor Swoon graciously agreed to meet with me before her class (held MWF from twilight until dusk). Her classroom is dimly lit by fairy lights and a few small, whimsical lamps. Steam rises from a glowing diffuser behind her. I don’t know what sandalwood smells like, but I have a feeling it is this.

Student Labor Union Campaigns to Regain Relevance