By Catherine Terelak

Every spring and summer, dozens of eager pilgrims flock to the sleepy village of De Smet, South Dakota, to walk the dirt paths of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s youth at the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. Visitors can churn butter at the Ingalls Homestead, learn their alphabet at an exact replica of the Brewster School, and pay their respects at the crowded Ingalls section of the De Smet Cemetery. 

These traditions, enjoyed by at least 24 Americans each year, will look a little bit different in 2025. In a recent speech, President Trump announced a massive overhaul to the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. “I couldn’t believe it when my National Parks guy told me we had a place called Little House on the Prairie. I told him to do it over, right away. I don’t want to see anything little in my country. That’s like getting a single, scrawny cheeseburger at McDonald’s when you could make it a cheeseburger meal. I said, ‘What, do we live in Sweden or something? Is this some kind of Subaru dealership?’ I told him, right there—I said, ‘I want a big, huge, enormous house on the prairie, and I want it to run on coal and iPads.’”

The National Parks Service, having already defunded everything else and pooled its remaining budget into this project, has razed the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area and broken ground on the Big Huge Enormous House on the Prairie. In the place where the Ingalls’ humble country home once stood, there will be a state-of-the art, 10,000 square-foot McMansion-style frat house. 

Jake Paul, the lead architect on the project, draws inspiration from his former Los Angeles home, the Team 10 House. In a comment to the B&S, he said, “What America needs right now is a finished basement where the boys can beat the shit out of each other with massive foam boxing gloves until Mom puts ten pounds of tater tots in the air fryer and says, ‘Boys, dinner’s ready!’ Except she’s not my mom, actually. She’s a Hooters waitress with a liberal arts education and a federally-subsidized boob job.” 

Inside the Big Huge Enormous House on the Prairie, there are plans for a shooting range, a Costco snack counter, a golf simulator, a Gatorade factory, and a porn studio. “We’re creating good, clean, dirty American jobs,” says President Trump. “I talk to guys every day who say, ‘I’m getting off to the Thai, I’m getting off to the Chinese, I’m getting off to the Russians.’ No more of that! The Big Huge Enormous House on the Prairie is going to bring that work back to the Midwest.” 

There will also be an apartment for the National Skibidi Toilet Laureate, a four-year position with corporate endowments from Nerf and MyPillow. The first National Skibidi Toilet Laureate has been awarded jointly to the Rizzler, AJ, and Big Justice, who will live and boul together in the Big Huge Enormous House on the Prairie, producing brainrot for the whole country. “Enough of this ‘Little House’ crap,” says the Rizzler. “This is the future. It’s time for big house, big prairie, big boobs.”