By Henry Coen

HIGH ST—For years, scientists warned us of the dangers posed by climate change, including rising sea levels, unpredictable weather, and shifts in animal migration patterns. But let’s be real: who really gave a shit about that ’til it affected 10/10?

“I just never thought it would happen to me,” Halk Tuna, super senior, said tearfully as she took a midnight shot with blue, shaking, frostbitten hands during this year’s mid-December 10/10.

Back in the old days, before Grinnell was sponsored by Exxonmobil and Florida sunk into the Atlantic, 10/10 was a consistent event, occurring like clockwork on the tenth day of the tenth month. Now, though, the clock has picked up pace. 

“It started small,” Halk Tuna said, remembering her first year. “It only got moved by a week at first. Then the next year, it was in September, then suddenly it happened in July and only the townies were there to celebrate.”

“People who tell you that global warming is moving 10/10 have had their brains scrambled by the vaccine,” Magg A., professor of QAnon anthropology, told our reporters from the microbial hazard room in Bucksbaum she uses as her classroom. “10/10 has obviously become the new Mayan calendar. When it completes a full rotation and once again falls on the tenth day of the tenth month, the world will explode in fire and brimstone. You can see it in the shirts this year: if you add up all the numbers on the shirt then add 547 you get 6666. It’s time to wake up!”

Others have different explanations for why 10/10 keeps moving earlier. For instance, a group of students and professors have entered a collective delusion, and are now convinced that the moon is responsible for both the tides and the date 10/10. Nightly, they gather in Loose Pit (set to be completed by 2051 at the latest), and howl at the moon in hopes of convincing the celestial body to release its grip on the holiday.

“The physics department is ready to take drastic action,” says professor Minion Mc’Gru, a staunch believer in the moon’s responsibility. “As part of my latest MAP, I’ve worked with my advisees—Bob, Kevin, and Stuart—to build a machine capable of shrinking and stealing the moon. 10/10 will be restored and we will serve Hawkeye Vodka out of its craters.”

Be it because of global warming, the Mayan calendar, or the moon, it is an undeniable fact that 10/10 is moving earlier and earlier, putting this sacred tradition in danger. It is only a matter of time before this event takes place during Turkey day, or moves back so far it happens in the past.