By Conrad Dahm

HIGH ST—On October 5th, 2024, Grinnell students prepared for their annual 10/10 celebration. Students often look forward to 10/10 as a temporary way to forget about problem sets, mentor sessions, or the worthiness of their Bachelor of Arts degree. However, 10/10 celebrations faltered this year as the College’s administration made drastic changes to the venerated holiday.

B&S reporters went undercover in the days leading up to 10/10, snooping around local liquor shops (definitely not to purchase vapes underage) to make a shocking discovery: Grinnell’s administration had purchased all of the liquor in a 100-mile radius of Grinnell. Our reporters saw Dean of Students Steve Oldhotel carrying hundreds of 30 packs of Old Milwaukee, Natural Light, and Hawkeye Vodka. 

Our reporters approached Oldhotel, who freely admitted to his actions. “This is punishment for all of the shit you guys have pulled recently,” said Oldhotel. “I was just reading that one satire newspaper, the S&B. Our school’s U.S. News ranking dropped eight places this year!” 

Oldhotel began to walk away, but our reporters continued to press him on why he would intentionally ruin 10/10.

“That old holiday? Ha! I totally forgot about that. Oh well. Try having fun now. Maybe instead of getting shit-faced, you can study. Not like you’ve ever tried,” said Oldhotel, who then drove away in the Grinnell College-owned Tesla Cyber Truck. 

Before the B&S could break the news, the entire campus received the following email from Oldhotel informing the student body of the decision:

 

Dear Bachelor of Arts losers:

We here at the College’s administration care about you. So now, all of the liquor that you could buy for 10/10 is locked in a giant cage dangling above the massive pit on Park Street where Art House and Farm House used to be. If you want to drink, you must somehow figure out a way to get into that cage, which is also guarded by a giant dragon. 

Yours Sincerely,

Steve Oldhotel

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The student body’s reaction to the move has been mixed. Some of the hardcore drinkers have taken the change particularly hard, moping around D-Hall, lamenting that “parties are just sad now.” Other students have taken odd measures to create their own alcohol for 10/10.

“So I’ve started making wine in the Clark Pit toilet. I just added some yeast, sugar, and grape juice to the toilet and am hoping for the best,” said Barney Dino ‘25. “The first years on the floor are confused, but they’ll learn.”.

Meanwhile, some first-year students seem unaware of what 10/10 is. “Drinking at 10 am? An all-campus shot at midnight? What kind of school do I attend?” said one Christian homeschooler. 

The B&S reporters also covered the students trying to scale the dangling cage on Park Street. So far, no one has succeeded, but 30 students have received “dragon and cage-scaling related injuries.” SHAW reports of 5th degree burns from Puff the Vape God Dragon, who guards the alcohol. 

 Five first years who tried to scale the Park Street Cage fell into the void. So far, no effort has been made to save them. The B&S reached out to the rest of their thirty-person D-Hall friend group that will inevitably turn into drama so bad that half of them won’t speak to each other in two months, which collectively responded “Good riddance. They were really fucking annoying.” 

Finally, when 10/10 itself arrived, only twenty something people showed up to any of the parties. Drinking Dino’s wine, they chanted “institutional memory is alive!” before vomiting—presumably from the home-brewed wine from the Clark Pit toilet. Next year, the organizers of 10/10 promise to “buy liquor earlier” and “do our homework, eat our veggies, and go to sleep by 9pm every night so that the administration will allow us to drink profusely.”