By Mazal Haus

As of this semester, mail services have implemented a new, high-tech, military-grade mail collection system that actually notifies students when they receive a letter. However, the system’s new name immediately began to attract more attention than mail services would have preferred. The Indiana Jones-inspired “Jewel Box” seems to have made waves on the Grinnell dark web as a possible source of precious gems such as gold-painted chunks of lead, spiral seashells, and the shiniest plastic amethyst on this side of the Mississippi. The shadiest, bravest, sneakiest members of this well-kept secret underground community immediately leapt to the challenge of a heist, but after evading the top-tier, 11-million-dollar security system, all they found in the so-called “Jewel Box” was overdue bills, absentee voter ballots, and fifteen-dollar checks sent from grandmothers in Maine with a note in shaky cursive to “treat yourself to something nice!”

In response to this shitty loot, they left their own letter in the mail room to complain about the Jewel Box’s misleading nature. “My wife’s birthstone is intrusive igneous,” a neon pink, heart-shaped sticky note informed the student employee who discovered it the next morning. “She expects me to intrude to get it, but there was nothing for her but an almost illegible Calc 1 syllabus handwritten on an abnormally large maple leaf!” 

The current list of suspects includes the devious masterminds behind that one Louvre heist, our favorite stylish orange fox from Bora Bora the Discoverer, and Robin Hood, although the last one might just be wishful thinking for the college student who self-identifies as poor.

Though nothing of value was stolen, the college immediately upped security and posted a single Campus Safety officer to roll back and forth in front of each door on a golf cart, like a Buckingham Palace guard with tired legs and no funny hat. They have also begun brainstorming a name change for the Jewel Box, though it remains unclear if this will apply to legal documents such as a driver’s license and marriage certificate, or if it will be strictly a social transition. Reliable sources report that potential names include “Diamond in the Rough” or, alternatively, “Diamond in the Middle of Everywhere.” Other options are the inexplicable “peachy pheromone bloom,” “Pacific Blend Vegetables (V),” and “cornsweat.” It’s possible that these were misprinted from some of the college’s other lists, though the last one might be most effective in deterring potential treasure hunters.

But the B&S supports the treasure hunters on campus. We’re keeping our metal detectors close, dear readers, in hope of tracking down a precious scoop for you. So if you hear a very loud beeping in the Natatorium and smell smoke, but are only wearing a speedo—don’t worry! It’s just us digging for gold ❤️