By Astrid Utting

The college recently received a $11 million gift from the estate of William Gruenwald ’42 and his wife, Joan Hueser Gruenwald. A further investigation by the B&S has uncovered that this generous estate was funded not by their commendable careers, but instead by a true money making machine: the college vending machines. 

The rumours are true: those desperate late night $2 bags of Lays later showing up as $20 purchases in your bank statements were no mistakes. After a mere two years, the vending machines have made a collective $11 million. It is unclear exactly how these funds will be used by the administration, which has historically been very responsible with money, according to the administration.

An all campus email from college President Anne Harris stated the gift “can” benefit students, not “will,” a distinction Harris called “legally important.”

Our B&Espionage team gracefully climbed through an unlocked window into a private meeting with the administration and student leaders regarding the new grant. During this meeting, the administration presented the following budget proposal for the $11 million:

  • $4,500,000 for Grinnell’s own AI data center, to be cooled by draining the Osgood Natatorium
  • $1,000,000 for the development of a new major in Radical Carbon Allyship
  • $2,500,000 for a sign thanking the donors
  • $2,000,000 to hire an Associate Vice President for Gift Stewardship, who will determine how to spend the remaining funds
  • $3,500,000 for consultants to explain the budget to students
  • $40,000 for the novelty check
  • $1 for individualized student support, to be split evenly across the student body

When a student politely pointed out that the total proposal exceeds $11 million, they were thanked for their intersectional approach to progressive arithmetic. Vending machine prices have since gone up. 

Another student voiced hopes that the new funds may be directed to students and was met with polite laughter from administration.

Regarding concerns about the data center’s environmental impact, President Harris assured the B&S it would run entirely on locally sourced dread, a renewable resource.

When the B&S asked whether any of the funds could go toward lowering tuition, we were escorted out of the building.

According to President Harris, the administration remains committed to gathering further student input, and will hold a listening session at 7:00AM on the first day of winter break, conveniently located in the Walmart parking lot. Free boba will be provided to the first three and a half students. Students are invited to share their priorities, which the administration will consider carefully before proceeding as planned. Those who cannot attend are invited to submit feedback through a Qualtrics form, which closed yesterday.

Editor’s Note: The B&S would like to thank the Gruenwald family, and kindly suggest the funds be invested in Loose grilled cheese, a campus institution highly skilled in accurate mathematical addition.