By James Applegate

JOE ROSENFIELD CENTER ‘25 – Grinnell students living off-campus have been left reeling after a series of college administration-sponsored raids confiscated large amounts of prohibited drinks and spirits. One B&S reporter discovered, at great cost (may flights of angels accompany her to her rest), that the operation was carried out by newly-appointed student dry agents from Weekend, recently tasked by the Board of Trustees with easing students into the dry sobriety of an impending fully on-campus student body. In an explanatory all-campus memo, assistant dean for Residence Life Lenny Purrkins wrote, “Students need to have a robust sense of community and identity, which we only really see develop within the juiceless confines of Grinnell’s hallowed halls and crispy prairie fields. We just don’t want you kids to miss out on the joys of on-campus living, where you can get a big bang for a big buck.”

In the aftermath, students have been seething with bewilderment at a perceived lack of administration transparency and concerns over the fate of the vital off-campus house culture, college-town relationships, and student agency and independence, all of which historically have rested upon what one student, Thaddeus McParthy, ‘27, calls “the four Grinnellian freedoms: getting sloshed, partying on High Street, and, uh, self gov and whatever, I guess.”

At SGA’s November Senatorial Business Meeting, McParthy announced to the Senate that he has long suspected that the administration has been controlled by a secret underground Puritan temperance movement cabal, which he blames for the crusade against off-campus living. “Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between wicked Puritan sobriety and good old Grinnellian libation-liberation,” he said, smirking at his alliterative acumen as his words slur together. Senator McParthy, who was denied his application to live on High Street next year, has seized on the recent policy changes as definitive proof of the conspiracy. “The Grinnell administration is crawling with dirty temperates.” He retches up the word, making “temperate” sound like a slur.

To McParthy, the path forward begins with rooting out any temperate sympathizers in the student body itself. “We’ve lost what once made Grinnell Grinnell:”—he begins ticking off on his fingers—“drinking at Bob’s, drinking at Lyle’s, drinking at Gardners, drinking at Harrises, and now drinking at Biz and Polka Dot and all the other noble fallen houses! How has this happened to us? What have we become?” McParthy throws a rhetorical finger at the framed portrait of Anne Harris on the wall of the Senate chamber, spittle flying from a foaming mouth, then swings his hand wildly at the room. His beer breath fills the nostrils and stirs the hearts of his buzzed auditors. “I’ll tell you! This is the fault of those traitors, they who have been given the greatest gifts of Grinnell party culture and squandered it on spa nights and cactus planting in the multipurpose room—sober treachery!” McParthy proceeded to outline a list of political enemies, including Weekend, the Muslim Student Association, and “anyone who hosts an event without alcohol from here on out.”

Spurred on by the fumes of second-hand drunkenness, the Senate quickly passed a bill forming the Committee on Un-Grinnellian Activities, tasked with performing an anti-temperance detox of Grinnell’s campus and rallying students to resist the restriction of off-campus housing. “Even though many old and famous houses of Grinnell have fallen to the odious grip of the administration, we’ll press on. We’ll fight on South’s beaches, we’ll fight in North’s loggia, we’ll fight in East’s foyers! We’ll fight on streets high and low, of every cardinal direction! We shall never surrender!” said now-Chairman McParthy. As of now, the Committee has begun interrogating Weekend student workers and organizing an “Occupy High Street” year-long sit-in demonstration where students can refuse to be removed from their off-campus homes and put their bodies on the line as political tools of dissent.

May we true Grinnellians rally behind our brave, loyal committee! May we true Grinnellians reclaim the promised homes! And may we true Grinnellians, blood amber with beer, eyes bright with the film of drunkenness, root out the threat from within!*