By Nell Badgley

HARRIS CENTER- Every year, Weekend makes it clear that the dress code for the Winter Waltz is semi-formal, but not strictly enforced. However, upon announcing this year’s Waltz theme, Enchanted Forest, Weekend coordinators have been very clear that they will be cracking down on dress code particulars– specifically, all students will be required to sport a bush to this year’s dance.

“We were sitting around the conference table thinking, okay. We’ve got this huge budget and a chance to influence campus culture– what sort of culture do we want to create here at Grinnell? And then we realized exactly what this campus needs, especially in this cold– the chic, timeless, ever-insulating bush,” Amy Looking `28. “So we decided on ‘Enchanted Forest’ as a result.”

The bush, widely recognized as a staple of 70s fashion, is making its return for the winter season at Grinnell. Students will be required to grow their pubic hair as long as possible before the event on Saturday, with very little leeway for alternative choices.

“Everybody is capable of growing a bush. Hopefully. For that reason, there will be no exceptions to this element of the dress code. We will be checking,” confirmed Looking.

In a follow-up email sent out to the college, Weekend coordinators promised “Food, dancing, photos, and so much more, so long as we can ensure the carpets match the drapes. And we want to see some thick carpets, people.”

Weekend has clarified that excuses such as “Is a landing strip ok” or “I’ve only got like a half centimeter going on rn” will not be tolerated: “If it ain’t thick, you’re getting kicked. If it ain’t dense, good riddance. If it ain’t growing, you ain’t going. If it’s not braidable, you will not be able (to enter). It’s in the works,” said Weekend coordinator Hayden Funn `27.

While some students praised the theme as “traditional” and “cosmopolitan”, other students were concerned that they might not fit the theme.

“I literally just shaved before I read the email. I don’t think it’s going to grow in time. I’m so fucking fucked,” one first-year, Moira Baldee `29, reported to the B&S. “I hate myself. I’m so fucking stupid, God, I genuinely can never do anything right.”

Studies have shown that a sufficiently thick bush can help prevent STIs, contrary to the belief that pubic hair is unhygienic. Weekend coordinators have cited other studies that have found a correlation between the thickness of bush and the effectiveness of STI prevention. 

“If you can still see skin peeking through, the chlamydia will crawl in through the side. Therefore, we’re encouraging students to grow that shit long, on the basis of sexual health principles, of course,” said Weekend coordinator and SHIC employee Clam Dardleson `27. “If you don’t attend with a bush, remember– this is not just about you. This is about the sexual health of our campus. It’s about keeping your community safe. It’s about herd immunity. To show up without a bush… You’re basically saying you want the entire campus to die, probably, or at least to be itchy. Is that what you want?”

Weekend has asked students to be prepared to form an orderly, single-file line before entering the Harris Center on Saturday, so that they can effectively carry out their inspections. Upon entering the Harris Center, Weekend coordinators will ask students to “pull ‘em down” while four coordinators inspect one student at a time, “lice-check style”. 

As encouragement, students capable of braiding their pubic hair will be recognized on the Harris Center stage during the dance, awarded a free t-shirt reading “LONGEST BUSH AT GRINNELL COLLEGE 2025”, and gifted one extra spanikopita “from [the stock in] the back”.