By Conrad Dahm

OLD GLOVE FACTORY- In a recent email to all student employees, Grinnell College has revealed it has “accidentally” been paying student employees the incorrect wage. Per the current Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) between the College and the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW), the College is mandated to pay a base wage of $13.77 per hour to all student workers. However, over half of student workers report being paid only $8.44 per hour, the base wage on campus in August of 2022, before the CBA was ratified. 

“Oopsie! I guess we were paying student workers the wrong wage. Our bad!” said Smart Blotts, director of student payroll, in an interview with the B&S. “It was a total accident on our part. ADP has been such a problem.”

At the beginning of the 2025-2026 school year, the College transitioned from using Paycore, Novatime, Handshake, and 30 other different bullshit employment systems into one system: ADP. Considered by the College as “the best thing since Robert Noyce invented the computer or something.” 

However, students became increasingly dismayed at ADP, especially after being paid the incorrect wage. “ This is bullshit. I’m tired of this. First Canvas and now ADP. What’s next at this school? They took the green bathrooms in loose, too. I’m done,” said one angry fourth-year student who wished to remain anonymous. “I’m so angry I could write a strongly worded YikYak post!” that same student said.

The UGSDW has promised action, but it is unclear what they plan to do. “We take wage claims very seriously. Sometimes at least. Well, maybe 10% of the time,” the UGSDW Executive Board said in a Pete Seeger-esque protest song addressed to the B&S. “Go away, satire writer. You’re not even a real union member.”

The B&S followed up with the College and received a strongly worded letter from President Anne Harris. “Listen, greedy satire writers. It was an honest mistake. How can you expect an institution with a 2.6 billion dollar endowment to have a properly working employment system? The gall of you. Students could work for free, but we graciously pay you.”

Since ADP has been such a smashing success, the College decided to implement a new employment system: FuckYouPayMoreTuition (FUPMT). FUMPT promises to do everything ADP can do, but it’s controlled by an AI bot that is a combination of ChatGPT, Google Gemini, and some random first-year project in Computer Science-111.

FUMPT has now implemented a decree that all student workers make no money except for B&S writers. They now make $20 an hour. Assholes. Their editor is such a fucking hypocrite. He tells everyone to write their articles, yet he writes his last in the HSSC atrium while waiting to go to lunch at D-Hall. 

The B&S probably won’t report on this issue again…until next semester (when we also will hire two new writers). Thank you for a great semester of satire, Grinnell!