By Conrad Dahm

FORUM- As the winter season begins, Grinnell College Student Health and Wellness (SHAW) is reminding students to receive important vaccines against consumption, smallpox, COVID, and flu. The B&S spoke with SHAW workers to get the inside scoop on how you can protect yourself this winter season, so you never have to miss a night of a crowded high street party, where it is -10 F outside and 99 F inside. 

“Consumption rates at Grinnell College are up 14% this year compared to last year. Smallpox rates are up 6-7%,” said Jonas Stalk, director of SHAW at Grinnell. “We’ve seen increasing numbers of students test positive for the disease.” Stalk has served as director of SHAW for 15 years and has not “seen this amount of disease ever.” 

Stalk attributes the higher rates of disease to a lack of vaccination on campus. “First-year students are increasingly coming to Grinnell without any vaccines. It’s a damn shame.” SHAW plans on hosting a “vaccines with the trustees” event to increase vaccination rates. Stalk also says every student who gets vaccinated will receive “a half gram of weed and a shot of Everclear.”

However, as disease rates continue to grow, SHAW has resorted to requiring all humanities majors to construct the brand new “Grinnell College Sanitorium and Infirmary”, located on Mac Field. The building will have over 50 leeches from Arbor Lake and plenty of fresh air to ward off bad humors. However, due to budget cuts, no doctors will staff the sanatorium and infirmary. Instead, it will be staffed by studio art and history majors. The biology majors were too busy to staff the building because they were raising cockroaches or some useless-ass bullshit like that. 

Some on campus, however, do not trust SHAW and do not plan on receiving vaccines. “The DEMOCRAPS at SHAW want you to get vaccinated so they can plant their mRNA tracking chips inside of you! Did you know that Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine and refused to patent it? Who wouldn’t want to patent a lifesaving drug and make a profit off of healthcare? Only one person would do that– a COMMUNIST. Wake up sheeple,” wrote Robert Kennedy ‘27 in a letter the B&S made out of cut-out letters from magazines. 

Another growing subsection of Grinnellians, however, believes in vaccines and disease prevention but still does not want to get vaccinated. In an all-campus memo, Grinnell College President Anne Harris said, “I am proud to announce that Grinnell College leads the nation in student infection rates in both mad-cow disease and consumption. This is a testament to our commitment to social responsibility. I encourage all Grinnellians to go forth and stop washing your hands, cough without covering, and refuse all vaccines from SHAW.” 

As disease rates continue to climb and vaccination rates drop, the B&S will continue to report on the unfolding situation. For now, we hope that you can find a room with a good view in the sanatorium.