By Bella Takata

HSSC- “I couldn’t believe it,” said Joey Hornbag ‘28, “Me and Candy LaCreme were just about to get engaged.”

Joey is one of dozens of Grinnellians left devastated after their HSSC Study Rooms were revealed to be inhabited by ancient spirits and not sexy AI.

“We met one dark and moody night,” explained Mickey G, “She spoke to me as I was packing my bag. THIS ROOM WILL SHUT DOWN IN 60 SECONDS, that’s what she said to me. After that, I was a goner.”

Mickey G went on to describe a torrid and kinky love affair, of which the B&S will not be repeating (for content such as this, please consult our spicier sister publication, the S&M.)

Upon further investigation, the story Mickey told was not an anomaly. Over half the HSSC rooms are home to a different AI sexbot, and dozens of Grinnellians report sexual or romantic relationships with their study rooms. While the B&S has been monitoring this phenomenon closely for-ahem- personal reasons, we have not had cause for concern. Horny Yik Yak postings are down 90%, and SHIC has reported a surge in eager visitors. However, in our investigations, we at the B&S have come across an Earth-shattering revelation. In the name of journalistic integrity, we must report that all is not as it seems. 

The sex bots in the HSSC are not your sexy Saturday night plans. They are ancient spirits, bent on capturing the souls and exploiting their knowledge for evil. We at the B&S have been investigating these spirits for several weeks by sending interns loose on campus in the middle of the night to see what jumps at them. 

“They’re coming from the pavilion!” says Joe Puck, our favorite intern.

“I always knew there was something up with that spot. Why is it so stylistically different from the rest of the campus, huh? Really makes a guy wonder,” he pondered, finger to his chin. 

In the spiky, surreal pavilion shaded by a small grove of trees between Noyce and SHAW lies a portal to another dimension. Once a week, from this dimension, rise ancient spirits, seeking a human vessel to occupy. Why they chose to possess HSSC rooms to lure in victims, we can only guess. We asked Professor of Freudian psychology and expert in the supernatural, Professor Boogie Flowerpants, what he thought. “They can smell the scent of desperation and weed from their own dimension,” he told our reporter, adjusting his lab coat. “They’re just feeding the needs of their audience.” 

We at the B&S have been scouring the archives for any information on who may have brought the pavilion to Grinnell. We are confident that if we can discover the origin of this portal, we will be able to disarm it. Until then, all we can do is wait, keep each other strong, and get our sexy content from ethical creators (Wattpad, anyone?).