By Catherine Terelak

WHITE HOUSE  

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Okay, okay. Hello. Can I say something… kind of gay?

PRESS CORPS: Mr. President, Mr. President — What’s kind of gay?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: That Taylor Swift, our beautiful alabaster princess — I’ll tell yah, she wrote a pop album like I’ve never heard, gotta be in the top ten pop albums I’ve ever heard. Sabrina Carpenter… Chappell Roan… Ariana Grande… They get the girls, they get the gays, but do they get twelve-year-old girls with Republican fathers? After the haters and losers made fun of her MAGA Lafufu in the sixth-grade group chat? 

REPORTER: What’s your favorite track on “Life of a Showgirl”? 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: I would have to say “CANCELLED!!” because I’ve been cancelled so many times, more times than I can count, and I think this is something me and Taylor have in common. I’d have to invite her to the White House, and we could talk about it. Kind of a “Life of a Showgirl” moment, because we’ve both been dealing with the haters and the losers for so long, but I have for longer. 

REPORTER: Are you invited to Taylor’s wedding?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: Well, no. Not officially. But me and Melania will be at the Illuminati ceremony to follow. 

Offstage, Trump’s Illuminati handler makes a knife-across-throat gesture. 

REPORTER: Mr. President, how do you respond to emerging conspiracy theories that Taylor Swift shot Charlie Kirk to prime America’s twelve-year-old Republicans for what the wokes have termed her new “eugenic” era? To produce a saint for her hymns, so to speak? 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: There are very sick people suggesting that, and all I have to say is that they’re very sick, either very sick or very dumb. All they’re ever gonna be is mean. 

President Trump looks offstage for approval. His Illuminati handler nods. 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: But I love Taylor Swift. Me and my granddaughter Kai have been making those beaded bracelets. 

President Trump holds up his wrist with a beaded bracelet that says “ELDEST DAUGHTER.” 

PRESIDENT TRUMP: But anyway, I’m glad white girls are so back. Pauses. White girls are glad too. I’m very close to that community. They love me, maybe more than Taylor Swift. 

CORRECTION FROM THE ILLUMINATI: 

President Trump made a factually incorrect comment at the end of his October 4 press conference regarding the release of “Life of A Showgirl.” While President Trump is a powerful auxiliary of Taylor Swift’s new “tone-deaf and hot” era, our polls show that white girls do now and have always loved her more than President Trump. The Illuminati apologizes to Ms. Swift and Football Player Kelce for the President’s misstatement and wishes them well in all future endeavors, including and especially the conception of their perfect eugenic baby for the harvesting of adrenachrome. Kidding! Who said that?