By Henry Coen
Dear Binston Swongo,
I accidentally set my scale to kilograms instead of grams when I was measuring my mushrooms for Alice, and I think I might have broken my brain. People’s faces now look like monsters, all music sounds like farts to me, and the voices in my head have gotten so much louder. What should I do? Is there any way to fix this?
—Oliva Dosa ’26
By Josh Emrys Payong
The cracks in the mask that hid DAG’s ambitions for world domination started to show when, on the day of our time-honored Grinnellian tradition of Relays, the “nerds” of the Duels and Games club showered Mac Field with spiked foam balls using homemade trebuchets constructed from the wooden scraps of the bookshelves they stole from all our desks at the beginning of this academic year (fucking bastards).
By Elke Calhoun
B and S reporters have been alerted by increasingly concerned French majors about the mental state of their own SEPC. Over the course of the semester, they have fallen increasingly into psychological states of ruin. Thus began a covert sting operation in which one brave B&S reporter went deep undercover and took a French course, in order to gain insider access to the French psyche, strategy, and (most importantly) mailing list. This reporter has battled through nicotine addictions, fashion faux pas, and a horrible case of contagious pretension, but returns victorious with a compilation of emails that follows the transgression into total madness of an SEPC that was already teetering on the brink.:
By Dale Bell
Plat Du Jour: You enjoy missionary sex and once referred to the Beef Bourguignon as “ethnic food”. Your first-year friend group still meets for dinner three times a week. You have never felt real emotion.
Honor G. Grill: You’re obsessed with investment. You think that sometimes with regard to gender/racial equality, the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. You build your identity around a sports team that got blown out 85-3 last fall.
Pizza Parlor: As a child, you thought being a grown-up meant eating pizza at every meal. You were right. You are a happy and well-adjusted person and will continue to be until you die at 35.
By James Applegate
WASHINGTON, DC—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order that dictates the total consumption of yet another component of the federal government. The target this time is the Supreme Court, which Mr. Trump will be consuming body, blood, soul, and judiciary next Tuesday, thereby obliterating one of the most significant symbolic and physical obstacles to his descent upon America.
By Catherine Terelak
Every spring and summer, dozens of eager pilgrims flock to the sleepy village of De Smet, South Dakota, to walk the dirt paths of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s youth at the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. Visitors can churn butter at the Ingalls Homestead, learn their alphabet at an exact replica of the Brewster School, and pay their respects at the crowded Ingalls section of the De Smet Cemetery.
These traditions, enjoyed by at least 24 Americans each year, will look a little bit different in 2025. In a recent speech, President Trump announced a massive overhaul to the Little House on the Prairie National Historical Area. “I couldn’t believe it when my National Parks guy told me we had a place called Little House on the Prairie. I told him to do it over, right away. I don’t want to see anything little in my country. That’s like getting a single, scrawny cheeseburger at McDonald’s when you could make it a cheeseburger meal. I said, ‘What, do we live in Sweden or something? Is this some kind of Subaru dealership?’ I told him, right there—I said, ‘I want a big, huge, enormous house on the prairie, and I want it to run on coal and iPads.’”
By Bella Takata
Hey everybody, so sorry I haven’t written in a while!!
I bet you’re all wondering… Bella! Where have you been loca??
Well, it’s a crazy story.
By Henry Coen
BURLING JUNGLE GYM—Vikky Tum ‘28 giggles as she watches a documentary about the assasination of Archduke Ferdinand over her boyfriend’s shoulder. “That’s just like John Pork and Tim Cheese.”
Until a few weeks ago, Pedro File ’25 had never really noticed the age gap in his relationship. “Vikky is really mature for her age,” the 23 year old told us. “Plus, she’s a May birthday, so she’s basically 19 already.”
By Dale Bell
SGA OFFICE—In a stunning discovery, B&S reporters have confirmed that self-gov in Grinnell is not, in fact, dead, and that the Student Government Association has just been locked in their office all year.
By Josh Emrys Payong
Still reeling from the betrayal of Colossal Biosciences Inc. after they stole the dire wolves reborn with Boy George’s primordially badass DNA, the Grinnell Biology Department has been scrambling to find ways to revive its own standing in the scientific community.
Their first successful pursuit was the rebirth of the formerly extinct giant sloth (genus Megatherium) using a mix of genetic material from bone fragments found in Chile and the spit from that one person in front of you in the D-Hall stir fry line who takes their sweet time picking out all the fried egg from the basil pork. Following its reappearance, many academics in the humanities division discovered its intellectual prowess, particularly within the field of metaphysics.
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