By Catherine Terelak

Q: Beside the connection to your great-grandfather, what attracted you to Grinnell? 

A: Oviously [sic] football, and I can get as much ice cream as I want in D-Hall. My mom doesn’t like me to have too much sugar because of my ADHD, but I’m literally an indult [sic] man. 

Q: How’s tutorial going?

A: Freaking skibidi. I forgot how to read for the first few weeks of college, and then when I remembered, I was like, “What the sigma? This whole class is about tampons or something.” I guess my mom signed me up for it. She gets my emails on her computer because I forgot to set it up. 

Q: You’ve mentioned your mom twice so far. Do you miss her?

A: No. She’s a bitch. But she does a lot of sweet shit for me, like buying me McDonald’s and driving me to football practice, so I love her. And doing my own laundry is fustrating [sic]. So I guess maybe I do miss her.

Q: Do you wish she could live on campus with you?

A: Yes, and no. I would like to have her paying for my shit, but then it might be harder to get bitches. 

Q: Do you have a roster?

A: Like, for football?

Q: No, for “bitches.”

A: Oh, yeah. There’s, like, this IG model in my Gender Studies class, and she said she’ll give me her Snapchat if I buy her a latte every day this week. 

Q: Why are you taking Gender Studies?

A: I don’t know. I couldn’t get out of it. My mom wouldn’t email the Register [sic]. 

Q: Do you think you’ll ever invent anything as important as the microchip?

A: I’m actually working on something that’s gonna be way bigger than my boy Robby’s intergrated [sic] circuit. I’ve been thinking about something called the macrochip, which would be like, if you could get all your macros in one chip. And you would only have to eat one to get your energy for the whole day. And they would be sold indervidually [sic], at gas stations, and probably… like… Gronk would do the conmercials [sic].