By Carter Ottele

Last week, the Grinnell student union won a historic victory, winning the election to expand the union by 327 to 6. The B&S called these six student workers who voted “No” and asked how they made their decisions. These are their stories. 

Voter 1: I have nothing against unions, I really don’t. I’d love to get paid more. It’s just, my ex is on the union board and he’s such a little bitch. Oh, he’d loooove to have a union victory wouldn’t he? Do I want the protections and advancements a union could provide me? Of course. But frankly, petty vengefulness feels so much better. Jeremy, if you’re reading this, I hate you. 

Voter 2: Unions are an important part of a healthy workforce. But students—excuse me, my fellow students—have no need for a wage increase. Besides, I hold– I mean, my friend is someone who holds a certain high-ranking position in the administration, and I know for a fact that the school lacks the resources for a pay increase. We should really be grateful for what we have. Yes, I’m a student—I thought this was anonymous! You don’t need my name! [voter 2 hangs up]

Voter 3: I think it’s really funny when someone in a crowd does something stupid. Like, when I was in middle school, we played a game of Kahoot! in math class, and someone with the username Harambe69 got every single question wrong on purpose. It was so funny. I want to be like Harambe69. Not just with this union vote. In life. So I voted no because, like, imagine not wanting more money [guffaws]. Get rekt, losers. 

Voter 4: I’m opposed to the union because I believe in states’ rights.

Voter 5: I forgot to pick up my ballot until the last day of voting. And then on my way back, I ran into my mate Trevor. And Trevor had something I’d been meaning to try, and I didn’t have any classes the next day. So I said yes and then…I don’t really know what happened. It’s all kinda blurry.

Voter 6: Nobody at this school understands economics. I did some research online, looked for some unbiased sources—none of that mainstream media bullshit—and I found that minimum wages are actually bad for the economy. They bring down productivity. They increase inflation. They even attack masculinity. I can’t say this usually, because the woke cancel-culture mob will come after me, but wage hikes are emasculating. Real men don’t need a union. Real alpha males pick themselves up by the bootstraps and enrich themselves through the free market. Now if you liberal media pussies will excuse me, I’m off to anonymously harass minorities on yik yak until the bitcoin transfer from my dad goes through.