By Conrad Dahm

NATATORIUM – The Grinnell College Russell K. Osgood Pool is undergoing new changes due to a lifeguard shortage on campus. The Grinnell College administration wrote in a Snapchat message to the B&S that they are “aware of the changes being made to the pool,” and “welcome feedback from the campus community as we navigate these changes.” The B&S does not know what that means, but we spoke with students, lifeguards, and staff to inform you on what these changes exactly are. 

“The pool has been completely drained. There is no more water in it,” said Mickel Pelps, athletic director of Grinnell College. “We made the decision that the costs of water were too high, so the lifeguard shortage gave us an excellent opportunity to drain the pool. This has been planned for years.”

The B&S questioned Pelps further about how exactly it can still be called a pool if there is no water. Pelps responded, “Hmm, that’s a good question. Wouldn’t you like to know, satire boy?”

Upon further questioning, Pelps said via email to the B&S, “Do they have you doing real journalism at the satire rag now? Shush. You wouldn’t understand if I told you.”

The B&S dove deeper (Get it? It’s a pool joke.) to figure out why there was a lifeguard shortage to begin with.

“Half of the staff was eaten by C. elegans,” said one lifeguard

The B&S pushed further. “It was all over the S&B. Didn’t you read it? Earlier in the year, the biology department released 4 C. elegans into the deep end of the pool as part of some study. We took them out per pool procedure, but they kept coming back and released exactly 4 C. elegans every time.”

Our reporter asked the lifeguard why that affects lifeguards, and the answer we got was “They forgot to take them out before our in-service, so we jumped into the deep end, and well. Lifeguards and C. elegans don’t always get along.”

The lack of water in the pool has led to a change in both lifeguard training procedures and how patrons use the pool. “The pool is essentially a skate park now,” said a lifeguard. 

“I used to go every day to the water aerobics class at the pool,” said Noel Obe, a member of the Grinnell community who used the pool. “Now I’ve joined the new skate team. It’s me and a few of the other water aerobics class members.” Obe then left our interview and did a kickass flip off the side of the pool. 

Members of the swimming and diving team have had mixed reactions to the news. “How the fuck am I supposed to swim in a pool with no water? Like, seriously, people. Does anyone in the College’s administration stop and think about these kinds of things? You can’t have a pool with no water,” said Kate Ledeck ‘26, a member of the team. 

“I think it’s kind of cool having no water in the pool,” said Ryan Smochte ‘28. “It’s a whole new experience. I kinda just jump in and then run across the pool and flail my arms like I’m swimming freestyle. I feel like I finally made the track team.”

For now, it seems changes to the pool will remain, as the College has indicated no interest in refilling the pool. As for the biology department’s C. elegans? Well, be on the lookout in Gardner Lounge as the biology Student Educational Policy Committee (SEPC) will be hosting “Nematode Gardner,” promising a “real-life experience with real C. elegans.”