By Catherine Terelak

FORUM—In the leadup to 10/10, SHAW launched a new unwellness program aimed at introducing Grinnell’s large population of Christian homeschoolers to college drinking culture. Grinnella GoForth, Student Head of Grinnell’s first Substance Abuse Habituation Program, is passionate about increasing access to alcohol, raising consciousness about the joys of binge drinking, and building bridges between the sober and alcoholic communities at Grinnell. Christian homeschoolers, she says, are an especially underserved population. 

“They don’t know their White Claws from their BuzzBallz,” she said. “My job is to get them to shed their lanyards, tennis shoes, and long jean skirts and let loose. If I can make them understand that there is no preacher from Footloose lurking around the corner, I will have made a difference.”

Throughout the beginning of the fall semester, Blim Jammond, SHAW Unwellness Coordinator, led Christian homeschoolers on a series of exploratory trips to High Street. “In their weekly Unwellness Seminars,” Jammond explained, “the Christian homeschoolers worked on skills like jumping, moshing, bumping, grinding, and pouring a red Solo cup of jungle juice when the Gatorade spigot is getting sticky.” Every Christian Homeschooler was tagged with their parents’ phone numbers and a small laminated card that read, “IF FOUND, RETURN TO NOYCE BASEMENT.” Jammond hovered in the corner as a source of moral support, proud to watch the Christian homeschoolers get down and dirty and remember to cover their drinks. 

One of the “trouble spots” for Christian homeschoolers in the party setting, Jammond says, is making conversation. Together, he and Grinnella GoForth modeled healthy conversations about topics like evolution, vaccination, and the provable roundness of the Earth. 

“Did Jesus ride a dinosaur?” Jammond asked the denim-clad group. 

“No, but he wasn’t vaccinated,” answered the son of a famous televangelist. 

This 10/10, the B&S interviewed several recent graduates of the Substance Abuse Habituation Program. Prudence LeMotte ’27 from Manure Chute, Wisconsin, hopes to bring Everclear to her next 4-H meeting. John Johnson ’25 from Horse Milk, Wisconsin, touched his first human udder. Olaf Fjordsson ’27 from Hockeyfish, Minnesota, learned that not everyone loves America, and that the situation in the Holy Land might be more complicated than he previously understood. Gerta Yoder ’28 from Big Huge Brown and Yellow Field, Iowa, is proud to know that Hawkeye Vodka is made without any of those pesky government GMOs, and Jeebus Hayseed ’26 from Piss Bucket, Nebraska, finally understands why President Roosevelt ended Prohibition. 

“All in all, I think we can call today a success,” said Grinnella GoForth, lighting four joints in the mouth of Job Bibleson ’28, who graduated with honors from the Substance Abuse Habituation Program. “Our next challenge is convincing them that Halloween isn’t Devil worship. It’ll be an uphill battle, but I’m confident we can cause these Christian homeschoolers to stumble.”