By Bella Takata

#1: Fourth Floor Burling

Much like the great lion, you are prideful and possess a strong, mysterious power. Often called an “academic weapon” by your peers, you are basically better than everyone ever. You enjoy your alone time, often taking study breaks for much needed “self care”. Keep grinding, paladin, for the road is bright ahead. 

#2: The Chapel Basement

You have a complex relationship with religion, often taking the “rebellious teen” route of fucking on anything that vaguely upsets you. You probably partied a lot in high school; maybe you even hosted. We can hear you while we pray, and it’s weird. Please stop. 

#3: D-Hall Booth

You are impulsive and extremely outgoing. You have great passion for the world… sometimes too much passion. Your friends try to be supportive, but they are secretly terrified of you. They are planning an intervention. 

#4: HSSC Elevator

You are definitely a humanities major, but you think you’re way better than the ones who take their classes in Bucksbaum ( 🤢). You are punctual, always on time and a little too excited for that 2pm seminar—maybe in a sexual way. 

#5: On the Train Tracks

You are a total party animal, and you aren’t afraid of a few splinters. Most of your weekly paycheck from working in the Bear is spent on Hawkeye and tiny gelatin capsules so you can sneak your creatine into the dining hall. You have some issues with object permanence and a firm belief that if you can’t see us, we can’t see you. 

#6: Mac Field

You’re classy. Timeless. Contributing to a long-standing culture of whatever this is©. The grass grows long and luxurious. He calls for his father. He calls to you. 

#7: The Couch at the Bear

You’re a sporto, and you probably have diseases. Not that you did before, but you do now. Reports from the SHAW records include complaints like Mad Cow Disease; Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease; and being a really really bad football player. 

#8: The “Chill Room” in the Noyce Basement

You have some secret society connections—you might even know Rupert Boyce. Definitely going to be a doctor. You spend so much time in Noyce that you can even navigate the basement, and for this you have ascended to near immortality. 

#9: The Ceramics Studio

You probably have a thing for sharp objects. Maybe you’re artsy, or maybe you just got lost. Does anyone really go into Bucksbaum? I’ve never seen anyone in Bucksbaum. You’re not real, none of this is real not real not real not not not not nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

#10: Steam Room

Something happened to you as a child and now you desire to punish the world. Probably half-devil. Please get out of there, we are very cold in the hallway.