By Bella Takata

BOHO EAST: Boho East has really good taste in media. He is a loyal friend and has been told by many that he has a “calming vibe”… is he gone? OK he’s gone. Boho is a first year, so fourth years watch out and cougars get ready– he’s coming, and he’ll probably arrive in a maid outfit (if you’re into that sort of thing).

BRIE CHEESE HARRIS CENTER: One time dropped a coffee on an Ochem problem set, but will NEVER drop you. The prettiest graphic designer in the B&S print edition is her face– or so the fellas say. How about this for a witty caption: “BRIE CHEESE HARRIS CENTER AND Y/N– SEXIEST NEW COUPLE ON CAMPUS!!” 

SLOSH PAY-OLD: He is so sexy he needs to cool off with a daily iced choccy milk. He gets so much protein that he once lifted the JRC. Trust me, I was there. Unfortunately, Slosh is actually not single, but he really likes attention. Riff off his girlfriend to win a date leaning against the milk machine. 

MAY THE BREEZE CUM ONTO HER: May The Breeze is actually really evil, but her rockin’ bod and incredible sense of humor will soften your heart and unclench your trembling fists. The author of a year-long diary composed entirely in free-verse (and a selection of BDSM-themed sketch comedy), she wants to let the loyal readership know that you, too, could be written about like you’re a man in Chicago! The Musical. Don’t call her a millennial, unless it’s in bed 😉

BONRAD DUMB: Softboi GWSS major looking for love. All the B&S Staff can report that as an editor and media head, Bonrad is very cool, collected, and controlling… Learned in such avenues as gender, sexuality, and Germany– this is a man who knows how to please. Maybe this UNION will be successful,, maybe not, but surely you’re in for a wild ride and a bedroom full of love and angry posters. 

HAINES WATERGATE: Haines has actually never done anything odd or untoward before. Secretly, though, Haines is a liar. Also, he will not date you– being both incredibly pretentious and already committed to the passions and grace of the Lord. 

BATH IN PTERADACTYL: How did this get in there? 

SOAP LEVITATIN’ N’ SOARIN’: Hark ye, nerds and athletes alike! Soap can name all 144 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in order. If you’re looking for a strong woman to ORDER you around, you’ve met your match. Just take a look at her Press book– clearly, sweet and innocent Soap wants nothing more than to care for a man. If you like dates to a freaky girl movie, hit Soap up RIGHT NOW!

BELLY KALAMATA (WHY I OUGHTTA): Belly Kalamata is a serene and understated creature often staying to herself, talking little, and caring a lot about the sciences and maths and things. If you are interested in making her acquaintance– lucky you! She probably already thinks you’re cute, as she believes in the innate beauty and quality of all those around her, and her scatterbrained disposition allows her to focus on many romantic pursuits at once. Unfortunately, despite being the most beautiful woman in the world and having men and women falling at her feet all day every day, Belly is very insecure. This is due to having once farted in front of her crush during a middle school production of “The Princess Bride”. Despite being a bit of a fixer-upper, Belly can *almost* do a split and would be willing to show you for a small exchange of unknown qualities. Pretty sexy, no? She is also very chaste and does not drink or smoke or make jokes or swear or wear sheer clothing and ripped stockings or any of the horrible things that the other modern women are up to. She does not have any interests, actually, besides you, you sexy bastard 😉