By Sophia Levitas-Goren

Shakespeare once said, “Some are born with tummy issues, and some have tummy issues thrust upon them.” Well, dear readers, I seem to have acquired tummy issues from both sources. As a descendant of two Ashkenazi Jewish lines, I am the product of centuries of generational trauma, which all seem to have designated my stomach as their constant battleground. To dumb it down, my stomach genetically hurts. So, as someone who is vegetarian (scared to eat the fish here), lactose intolerant, and a rather picky eater, Dhall has proven to NOT have been promised to me 3,000 years ago.

Let us commence with my complaints. First off, I was excited to see grilled cheese on the Dhall menu whence first arriving as a student. But that excitement turned quickly into horror when I realized that rarely did they have plain grilled cheese. No, almost always did there have to be bacon on the grilled cheese. And I cried out to God, as my forefathers once did, “Why hast Thou forsaken me?” Of all the meats to put on a grilled cheese, why must you put the one most abominable? Even when I did eat meat, my Jewish stomach could not bear that of pig. Is it really so difficult to not put pork in/on everything?????

And speaking of unnecessary meat, if a dish has tofu, such as that at the stir-fry station, do NOT put other meat in it! Why must you ruin another perfectly good vegetarian/vegan option by completely destroying it with meat? I would have quite enjoyed a tofu stir-fry dish had it not contained the cursed beef or pork. 

And the damned vegan/vegetarian options. Goodness me, must all the options be borderline inedible? Vegan/vegetarian does not equal disgusting pseudo-health food. Give me more avocado, give me more beans, give me interesting tofu, give me tempeh, give me lentils, and please, for the love of God, do NOT burn it. I am beyond SICK of plain, gloopy quinoa with an oat-milk yogurt tofu dish cooked with water chestnuts, mushy peas, and squished carrots. If you need some flavor, they leave you with nutritional yeast flakes, brown flaxseed, and wheat germ! Yum!!!

Good God, at least leave the soy sauce out over the weekend!!!!!!! Is that so hard??? I don’t wanna use liquid aminos, what the fuck is that???

Let us now turn our attention to the Kosher section. I am aware that it is “Kosher style” and not actually Kosher, because it would be impossible for the section to be Kosher. If you are confused, please feel free to read the commentary from the Rabbis. They would be happy to talk at you and argue at you and argue amongst themselves for centuries. Anywho, the cursed Kosher section. Such a consistently disappointing selection of food. Seemingly, often meat. And do NOT get me started on Passover. Is Dhall aware that we Jews do not use the saltwater as broth for matzo ball soup? I’m aware that matzah is supposed to be bland, but how could it have possibly acquired such a complete and utter lack of taste? Impressively bad.

Overall, my stomach has faced such an extreme demolition from the effects of Dhall that I can feel my own ancestors watching, quivering in fear. I will be consulting the Rabbis. I can hear the “oy veys” already.