By Sophia Levitas-Goren

It’s everywhere. Around every corner, a flier for a drag show riddled with images of dildos and leather. In every office, one to a dozen pride flags. Even inside your dorm room, you aren’t safe; your girlfriends are bisexual. For too long, straight men have been suffering “in silence,” claims  E. Jack Ulate ‘28. “I play baseball here and the entire team agrees that, like, this school is, like, super gay, like, no offense, but it’s, like, too gay.”

Ulate says that the rest of the team also feels they are amongst the straight men suffering in silence, even though you can hear them moaning and whining from their table in dhall, proclaiming dramatically their discomfort, even though they definitely bullied theatre kids for doing the same thing in high school.

“We do our best to stay strong,” says baseball player Las Stoominuts ‘27, “I’ve tried to be supportive of the, like, gay people and, like, women in general. Bro, I’m even taking a GWSS class!” Stoominuts’ professor for intro to GWSS has made comments on his behavior, claiming he rolls on the floor wailing whenever the word “feminism” is spoken. Stoominuts is taking the class SDF.

Football team captain Shore T. Kingg ‘26 says that he has had enough. “Four years of this shit, bro, four fucking years. This place claims to be such a safe place, well, guess what! It’s not! So, I’ve been working together with my bro Dick, you know, the captain of the baseball team, and we’ve decided to make a safe space for straights.”

Dickinson Mee ‘26, seconds Kingg’s remarks. “Yeah, we decided to make the BWRC: the Berlin Wall Resource Center.”

We asked what inspired the name behind what Kingg referred to as the “safe space for straights”. Kingg responded enthusiastically, “Yeah, so you know how the gay resource center also is, like, named after a wall, well, Dick and I wanted to name ours after a wall, too. But, like, we wanted it to be after a super, like, you know, straight and manly wall. And like, Germany and Berlin, like, those are pretty straight and manly countries, right? So, like, obviously the wall there would be pretty straight and manly, too. So, we thought that we should name the center after that wall, the Berlin one.”

Mee and Kingg took us on a tour of their newly opened center. The door to the space had a sign saying, “If you’re not a brother or fucking a brother, get the fuck out!” Once we entered, we were hit with the smell of Axe body spray titled “ultra masculine musk” mixed with tubs of creatine, week-old pizza, and overheated monitors opened to involuntary celibate forums. We felt a fog creep over us, but we managed to compose ourselves to take in the décor of the place.

Playboy posters, Kanye blasting, faux fur carpets, deer heads on the wall. The essence of masked insecurity and the discomfort in one’s masculinity is indiscreetly disguised as alpha male overcompensation. We feigned work commitments to not overstay our welcome.

Later, after leaving the BWRC, we interviewed Gabe Owners ‘29, who was enthusiastic to talk to us about what he called “the straight resurgence.”

“Bro, this is so great, you know?” Owners exclaimed. “No longer will we, straight men, be silenced. No longer will we be judged for our masculine-ness. No longer will we be submissive. Nah, it’s time for them to be submissive. No longer will I be giving girls head. Nah, I don’t even know how to give head! Fuck that shit! The clit? Yeah, what a bunch of fake news. That thing doesn’t exist. I would know, 100%. But I sure expect those females to give me a fire-ass blowjob, you know? And they better shave every part of their damn body. And I get to say what we do, you know? Like my favorite positions and whatever.”

Gabe Owners, coming in at 5’8, played on the bench on his high school lacrosse team.